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The one year anniversary of my husband's death is coming next week on December 12th.

When December 12, 2012 arrives, my son and I will have:

  • Survived one year without him. 
  • Survived 12 months without him.
  • Survived 52 weeks without him
  • Survived 365 days without him.
  • Survived 8,765 hours without him.
  • Survived 31,556,926 seconds without him.

I have felt each second of loss, each hour of pain, each day of sorrow, each week of sadness, each month of grief.  I felt with my heart, body, mind and soul this entire whole year of mourning. It has been an arduous journey. The journey is not over yet,  but I am thankful that I am not where I was one year ago, because it was so awfully anguishing and painful in the beginning.

I have been dreaming of him frequently and the dreams comfort me.

I have been feeling unwell, almost physically sick and I know it is a manifestation of my grief. I need to cry so more, I need to weep and wail, I need to let more of my feelings out.  

Add to this the holiday atmosphere - the festive decorations, the twinkling lights, holiday music, images of couples and families smiling, laughing, and sharing good times together.  Combine into the mixture the memories of what used to be, stir in the reality of the lost hopes and dreams, and the result is one unpalatable dish that I, somehow, have to digest. Talk about a having indigestion and heartburn.

Yet, I am hopeful. I give thanks for the love we shared. I give thanks for the son I am blessed with. I give thanks for the sorrow and the joy, because we would not know the warmth of the bright sun without the darkness of a cold night.

Life is precious, as those of us who have lost someone too well know, and each day is a gift. I hope to embrace everyday with hope and gratitude, because there is no place to go but forward. Peace, strength, healing and courage to all who read this who are going through the same thing.

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Comment by Mariposa on December 13, 2012 at 6:02am

Thank each and everyone of you for your kind words and support. I got through it and I go forward one day at a time.

Comment by M'LADY on December 11, 2012 at 10:12pm

For someone who is in the mist of horrific pain (2 months) the words you typed clearly are wounds that have scarred my heart. Not knowing from one day to the next if I will draw my next breath with out feeling the deep pain my heart has had to endure. Not having the chance to grasp that there might even be a tomorrow your post came along........gave me some small hope that someone like me just might make it....I know without some more heavy crying ,sleepless nights, and pain in my heart that nothing will remove unless my wildest dreams came true and we know that will never happen.  Thanks for the words of encouragement 

I wish you **PEACE** as tomorrow comes I hope that it comes with a understanding your searching for. 

 

Comment by bramky on December 11, 2012 at 5:42pm

Mariposa, sending you warm thoughts and ((HUGS)).  Thinking about you on this difficult day.

 

Comment by hendrixx2 on December 10, 2012 at 12:26pm

Hi Mariposa,

That ''unpalatable dish'' dish you speak of has had some of it's ingredients on the menu for the entire amount of time that year took to pass, that we had to munch on much of it is a fact of our circumstance, that we are surviving the indigestion and heartburn offers hope that once again we may be able or order up some feast of our own making.  I agree with you, and give thanks for all that I have been fortunate enough to have had in my life...the journey may be painful, but it would be much more so without the memories of what once was our lives...hope lives...Thank you...Peace...

Comment by Lori on December 9, 2012 at 10:37pm

4 months for me today love "life is precious"  peace strength healing and courage to you as well

Comment by kshy on December 9, 2012 at 11:41am

Wishing you comfort as you approach this significant day. Many many hugs.

Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on December 9, 2012 at 10:38am

Amen Mariposa. You've covered a lot here.  You have survived the most painful thing there is - and yet, you are now looking forward to not just "surviving", but living with hope and gratitude. Very inspiring. Thank You. Hugs to you as you approach this important day during this time of year.

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