It’s impossible to believe that, isn’t it? Actually, there are days that feel like he’s been gone for more like a century, as if the part of my life with him was a dream, not a reality. But, scattered remnants of our life together are reminders that he wasn’t just a dream. Look how much has changed in this short amount of time. Our baby boy is not so little anymore. He’ll be two in a few short months. He’s a growing toddler who is way too smart for his own good. He’s learning new things daily and is constantly growing out his shoes and his pants. I have a feeling that he will be taller than me before he’s a teenager. (Of course, that’s not saying much when I’m only 5’6”.) His bright blues are always reminding me of better times. It’s almost like looking into Tim’s again. My heart aches with the echoes of Tim’s words “I can’t wait to teach him how to fish/take him camping/play golf…” things he will never get the chance to do. I think that is the hardest part for me through all of this…Lucas will never know the man his daddy was or how much he loved him. I can tell him everything, but he will never know from himself. Maybe its better that he was so young…maybe it will save him some of the pain that I have felt. I can only pray that he doesn’t feel this void as I do.
This day for me is very bittersweet. It’s a day for remembering what was lost, but also one to where I can say that I made it this far. So much has changed irrevocably in my life. The first months following Tim’s death, it was as if I was caught in the waves of the ocean, rocked back and forth, tumbled around fighting to keep my head above water, finding moments where I wished I would just give up and let the current take me away. A few months in, the tide finally spit me out and I was left among the ruins of the storm and have since been scanning the trash for the salvageable parts of my life in an attempt to put the pieces into some form of a new beginning.
It’s been a tough year. One that has definitely reshaped every aspect of my life. Even the fundamental basics of every relationship I have ever had, has changed. I have said goodbye to friends whom I could no longer connect with, ones that caused me more grief than comfort in a time of desperation. I have found difficulties in friendships I have had for years, struggling to find some understanding from people who will hopefully never have to go through this same situation. I have had to add a filter to what I speak of, in the realization that my tragedy and my reality tend to make many people uncomfortable and unsure of what to say. I’ve had to “don a mask” and fake a smile. I have hid from the familiar, fearing those ever repeated questions like “how are you now?” and avoiding the looks of pity and those that continue to treat me like a china doll. Although I much appreciate everyone’s sincere regard and condolences, I yearn for a time where I can just be me again…not just a victim, a tragic widow.
I find myself truly missing my best friend. I miss having that one person who was always on my side. The person that made a crappy day at work bearable knowing that I could just go home to him and it was okay. I miss the annoying things he used to do, the incessant way he always picked on me, his way of making the most complicated of problems seem so obsolete with a simple “It’ll be okay”. I miss knowing that someone was in love with me. I want that again. I think I’m finally getting to the point where I’m ready to see what/who’s out there in the world that might be meant for me. I am terrified that I will be alone forever, but I cannot let my heart believe that. Someone recently said to me that Tim loved me for a reason…someone else will see that in me too someday. I also know that I have it in me to love someone like that again. This time, I will be less apt to make the same mistakes again that I made before. I’m nervous at the possibilities, but a part of me is pushing me forward. For today, I will honor his memory, shed a few tears, but try to focus on the good times. I will be able to always cherish my memories with him. He helped make me the woman I am today. Someday I know I will see him again. Tim, if you’re listening…I love you and I will forever miss you. XOXO