Here I am one year later. In some ways still in disbelief that I live alone. It's been one year and I still have his boots next to the door. I still don't put the toilet paper on the roll (that used to drive him crazy so I did it to annoy him). The dump sticker is on my windshield and I've become a regular at the dump and the recycling bin. No snow or ice build up in the gutters, the bird feeders are full most of the time. I guess I'm adjusting to the routine. It is just so damn lonely. I never, ever anticipated the nagging pain of the silence. The television, the radio, the grandchildren....nothing fills the emptiness of the silence.
Last night's hosted chat was about dating. I always said that if I was left alone I would never have the energy to work on making another relationship work. What I've learned in this most difficult year is that being alone takes as much, if not more, emotional work then being in a relationship with someone. Perhaps because for the first time in 39 years I was faced with dealing with my own feelings about literally everything.
What lies ahead? One year ago today we woke up just like any other day. At 4 pm a lifetime of hard work, compromise, arguments and forgiveness, tears and laughter came to an abrupt end. Life can and did change in an instant. If it can change for the bad in an instant...can it also change for the good in an instant? I am optimistic that it can. (Maybe not an instant.) I don't want to spend the rest of my life wallowing in self pity because of what I've lost. That burden is too heavy for me to carry. I hope that on January 31, 2014 I will look back and smile at the new friends I've made and the new memories I have.
So today I will go through the motions of being alive. My skin is alive, but everything beneath it is on life support. I pray that when I awake tomorrow I will be able to take a deep breath and know that I can and must move on. He would definitely want that for me.