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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

It was on this Friday before Memorial Day, a year ago, that the doctor took me into the hallway and told me that it would be irresponsible of him if he didn’t tell me that he thought Ron had 24-48 hours to live. A year ago that I asked Susan to bring the girls to the hospital to say good bye to their daddy in case he didn’t make it home. A year ago that I chose the wrong hospice to help us.  A year ago that Anne called Steve and Ed and told them to hurry back home from Indiana and Colorado. A year ago that Andrew hurried down from NJ because I knew something was wrong, so terribly wrong but hadn’t been told yet and I just needed my brother to come be with me. A year ago. Which one of the awful days was the worst day of my life? Diagnosis, re-diagnosis, deathwatch day, or the death itself? 

Today I went as part of a group to the local ABC news station to film a very short publicity announcement for Purple Stride DC—the fundraiser race for pancreatic cancer.  It was positive. All the people there with the exception of the one survivor present, have lost a loved one to cancer. They know.

He died, at home, about 36 hours later.  May 28, 2012.

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Comment by Ava on June 4, 2013 at 7:57am


Tomorrow is 10 months for me.  Like you, I struggle with what was the hardest day when John was sick,I keep having flashbacks of his last days, I keep blaming myself for not understanding he was dying, not spending every moment with him.  I also had hospice come to my house, we wasted 2 hours talking to them.  I want these 2 hours back!  Thank you for doing public announcement!


Comment by MissingRKK on May 28, 2013 at 6:15pm

Thank you, Dear Friends, for your support and caring words. And so it is today, the one year mark. The lead up was harder than the day itself. I think I was able to honor Ron today with actions and words. I spent sweet time with my daughters and I think they handled the day well too. I don't know what to make of a year. I can't really grasp it. I don't know if it sped by or dragged on. Most likely both. I can't believe a year of time has passed without Ron on this earth. I miss him so utterly profoundly.  Much of our family and many friends reached out and I am so thankful for that. I know there will be hard days to come but I am in an okay place for right now and right now is really all there is.

Comment by Mstexan on May 26, 2013 at 3:11pm

I am so sorry for your loss....sending remembrance and hugs to you.  My husband also died from PC, so I totally understand the torture of remembering the various important days.  So proud that you are involved with the Purple Stride DC fundraiser!  I have financially given, but have not been as involved in my local chapter as I would like to be.  Thank you for doing what you are doing, despite the pain.  Big hugs to you.


Comment by Suz on May 26, 2013 at 1:00pm

Oh, Carrie,

Here I am, your friend who was going to write. I have been pretty much in pain but no excuses. I am sorry I offered and did not hold up.

Ugh, this just makes me ache for you. All of those memory days. And the anniversary of his death in just two days. I wish we could go back and  have do-overs on some days. Who would have known it would be the wrong hospice? I wasn't even thinking of that...that is for sure. 

I am glad you took part in the publicity announcement and bravo for you for being involved with the OC fundraising. Is it PanCan or some other group. i have avoided those groups. Just a little to close to home. You are a good example.

I am sending you caring from the bottom of my heart and will be thinking of you as you go through the next few days. I know you have heard others say, the time before seemed harder for me than the anniversary date itself. Then things started to get easier. Actually, my house quit falling apart right after the first anniversary...very odd.

Hugs to you and your lovely family!


Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on May 26, 2013 at 12:37pm


Comment by Mac on May 25, 2013 at 10:48pm


Comment by Morgana (Janet) on May 24, 2013 at 3:18pm

(((Missing RKK))) All of them.

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