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RELATIONSHIP ISSUES AFTER LOSS OF A SPOUSE

My Roses  12th November 2013

Found this  article  called   SECOND TIME AROUND   by Marie Claire

ONE MARCH AFTERNOON IN 2010, I logged on to Facebook and glanced at my relationship status. My 42-year-old husband, Frank, had been dead for a month, but it still said "Married." Then, in a surreal, only-in-the-21st-century moment, I changed it to "Widowed." I hesitated, but I had to do it: No word but widow described what I was. Single said too little. I noticed the other options: It's complicated. Well, yes (what loss is uncomplicated?) and no: Death leaves you with zero options. Separated. I was that, too, but more drastic and sadder than the word usually suggests. Some hope that separation from their spouses might be temporary; mine could be nothing but permanent.

So, at age 39, after seven years of marriage, I was no longer married; I was a widow. And this, the only appropriate designation, felt hard-earned. Frank's sickness and death belonged to him, but they had changed my life, too, making demands and requiring sacrifices. The path that led me from wife to widow had been long, crooked, and painful. I had spent the previous two years watching my husband fight, with grace and heartbreaking optimism, a rare and aggressive form of esophageal cancer. When his cancer briefly disappeared, I rejoiced with him; when it reappeared, we despaired together. I rode beside him in ambulances to emergency rooms late at night. I asked questions in oncologists' offices and took notes. I cried on the phone to impassive health insurance bureaucrats. And one morning, when I left the hospice to feed our cats and make some calls, Frank died. A chaplain led me by the hand to her office, and I sank to the floor, crying, deeply sad--and guilt-ridden--that I had not been with him at the very end.

Although I decided to wear my wedding ring for a year after his death (as a respectful gesture to Frank and to keep unwanted male attention at bay), six months in, I felt ready to date. I had started to miss companionship, the everyday pleasures of having a man in my life. Yet when I started dating, widowhood became the woolly mammoth in the room--guys would try to avoid the subject completely. The first man I dated after Frank, a sports fanatic from Brooklyn whom I saw for two months, would tense his jaw and say, "I'm sorry," before changing the subject to football. "I'm sorry" is not an unreasonable response. But I felt sorry enough for myself; after a point, I could hardly bear having anyone else feel sorry for me. Other men, once they learned of my history, avoided me altogether. As soon as I'd get comfortable enough with them to talk about it, usually after a few dates, they'd pull away--no more e-mails or calls. One date was texting me regularly to make plans and tell me jokes, only to downgrade his correspondence to Facebook the more he learned about my past, then fade out completely. He never conveyed the reason he bailed, but it was clear he wanted someone breezy and uncomplicated. As a widow, I was anything but. In hindsight, I admit that wearing my wedding ring and discussing Frankmay have signalled that I wasn't ready to move on. But I felt torn between feeling very attached to his memory and also taking tentative steps toward a future without him.

Continued on this link : http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship--issues/dating-aft...

Other articles on websites Understanding and dealing with lack of companionship and looking for  marriage. Dating and marriage after loss what you or your new partner might be experiencing  - which hav some useful Insights  Link : http://www.idotaketwo.com/experts/topic/469-remarriage-after-spouse...
http://voices.yahoo.com/remarriage-after-death-spouse-way-coping-75...

Loving Again

http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/date-after-death-spouse-16481.html

In his March 2012 article for "Psychology Today," emotions expert Professor Aaron Ben-Zeév, cautions widows and widowers that as a survivor, your love did not die with the spouse. In fact, you may have idealized your relationship following the loss. Given this information, you must integrate the idea that it is possible to love your dead spouse and to enter into a fulfilling relationship with a new person. Psychologically, a new relationship may fill a void physically, but you must be prepared to love two people at the same time -- a dynamic that is unique to widows and widowers.

My Roses comment  Re this last sentence which is very interesting. Maybe this would help widowed people feel less stressed, guilty, and  confused to know that one can love two people but presumably in different ways and dimensions (one of them is in heaven!)!!!  Ultimately, it is about bringing peace and happiness.

 

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Comment by my roses on November 13, 2013 at 6:50am

My roses  13th November

Laurajay thankyou for your comments.  I do know that the bible states there is no marriage in heaven,

and that in the Greek 'marriage" means procreation.  So that what it is really saying is that in heaven there will be no more coming together for procreation.  Which of course is quite understandable.  My opinions are not being stated in this article by Marie Claire, apart from the last small comment.  Because I had noted that some people on this website had expressed stress and confusion about whether to date, or re-marry etc.

My aim with the things I post is (1) sometimes to indicate something that has happened to me that just might help someone else.  (2)  to  share with others articles, research, or discussions that deal with any issue that might be helpful to others on this site.  Or any issue that someone has already expressed concern  or asked for help about.  I AM NOT TRYING TO EXERT ANY KIND OF PRESSURE UPON PEOPLE'S BELIEFS. 

Or claim that they should do this or that.  My aim is to put before the widows and widowers on this website a wide variety of topics that may help someone to continue their journey with less sorrow, or answer a question that had been raised.  Or even to to raise an issue, or thought that has not been expressed.

Therefore I could not, because this would not be my role, consider that my thoughts or my mind was the greatest expert for me.  I would consider (again for me personally) that the greatest expert and guidance, proven to me over 3/4 of my lifetime would be the inner voice - or to put it spiritually  The Holy Spirit.

Because this inner voice has always been right.  If I do not listen to it things go wrong.  If I listen to it - it never fails to tell me the truth.  But this is not my mind... Blessings upon you.

Comment by laurajay on November 12, 2013 at 6:04am

my roses   I believe you would find more food for thought  regarding  the things you post about if you go to the bible based website:   got a question.org    There you can ask such things as Is there marriage in heaven  and any other relationship questions and get bible based answers quoting scripture(s).  of course for those we do not believe or follow religious beliefs this would not be an effective quest  but from what you post  I think it would be a significant eye opener for you.   You can love more than one person at a time in my opinion  without guilt because loves expands...the more you love  the more you are able to love.  One more factor,  though the pain and grief is the same  when you are widowed...the future of a widow  married just a few years will be different than the future of a woman married 25,35,45 yrs...shorter - and less likely to be as eager for remarriage or dating. There are exceptions of course. No set fast rules.   No time frame.    Each journey is individual   and requires personal consideration.  Your heart will tell you  the right way  and the time to move on.  We must listen to it to find peace.  My greatest expert is my own mind.  What someone else says is just one opinion.

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