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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

In two days it will be 18 months since I lost my husband of 20 years of marriage to a rare cancer, leaving me to raise our teen son alone.  And here I am wondering why I'm so burdened with sadness and despair, and why I keep bursting into tears. A phrase I saw years ago: "The mind tries to forget, but the heart always remembers."

It is not just the approach of Father's Day that is bringing up the sadness. I realized it was the memories of what happened two years ago during the month of June.  It was the first week of June 2011 that he had another PET scan and we learned the chemo did not work and the cancer progressed, so he was referred to MD Anderson. I had scrambled to gather all the image files from all the clinics, hospitals and doctor offices. The initial appointment at MD Anderson was the week before Father's Day, actually on two days, the Thursday and Friday right before Father's Day weekend. All those memories, all the stress, fear, sadness and anxiety of that time is stored in the very cells of my heart.  Yet, many family members and friends just don't want to acknowledge it or hear it. Well meaning family and friends just want you to be better.....for the sake of their own comfort. Me feelings are my feelings. How long is it going to take to mend my heart and go forward? Only time will tell.

So, a poem bubbled up from inside and it helped me feel better and I know it is safe to share here. God bless each and everyone of you on this unwanted journey through grief. Peace, comfort and healing to all of you.

UNTITLED

Grief covers each day with a veil of sorrow,

muted hues of gray dull the colors

and cloud the vision of tomorrow.

Adrift in a sea of pain,

the struggle to stay afloat,

trying to free myself from this heaviness inside

that threatens to pull me under.

When will my spirits soar again?

O God, take this from me, please!

Release me from the sadness and despair.

Help me to see with fresh eyes

the promise and possibility of  each new morning.

Let me embrace each day with shining hope smiling.

But.... my heart mourns for what was.

He is no more by my side.

He is gone where no one can follow.

And now I'm alone to face another sunrise

with grief's haze upon tomorrow.

~by Mariposa

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Comment by Joyce on June 11, 2013 at 7:15pm

Oh I love this Mariposa, thank you.  Sending hugs

Comment by rodsgurl09 on June 11, 2013 at 4:48pm

Haunting and lovely, Mariposa. (((hugs)))

Comment by Mariposa on June 10, 2013 at 4:38pm

Thank you Barbie Doll and Paul R. Hugs to you both.

Comment by Barbie Doll on June 10, 2013 at 12:15pm

Mariposa, the 25th will be 18 months for me and my husband also died of an extremely rare, almost always fatal, form of cancer.  (cholangiocarcinoma)  I also remember the mad dash to The Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale followed by surgery at Mount Sinai in NYC (we lived in California) and the sickening report from The City of Hope that there was no more hope for him just days before Christmas.  The trauma of those 10 months of trying to save his life will forever be with me no matter how normal or happy I may look to the outside world.  I agree, my husbands family in particular does not want to discuss any of the ugliness of that journey even though they were not there for the everyday stress.  

I guess that is why we have this wonderful site to visit.  We can talk about our loved ones forever and no one will tell you to just forget about it and move on.  (((((HUGS)))))) to you and your son on this Father's Day.

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