In two days it will be 18 months since I lost my husband of 20 years of marriage to a rare cancer, leaving me to raise our teen son alone. And here I am wondering why I'm so burdened with sadness and despair, and why I keep bursting into tears. A phrase I saw years ago: "The mind tries to forget, but the heart always remembers."
It is not just the approach of Father's Day that is bringing up the sadness. I realized it was the memories of what happened two years ago during the month of June. It was the first week of June 2011 that he had another PET scan and we learned the chemo did not work and the cancer progressed, so he was referred to MD Anderson. I had scrambled to gather all the image files from all the clinics, hospitals and doctor offices. The initial appointment at MD Anderson was the week before Father's Day, actually on two days, the Thursday and Friday right before Father's Day weekend. All those memories, all the stress, fear, sadness and anxiety of that time is stored in the very cells of my heart. Yet, many family members and friends just don't want to acknowledge it or hear it. Well meaning family and friends just want you to be better.....for the sake of their own comfort. Me feelings are my feelings. How long is it going to take to mend my heart and go forward? Only time will tell.
So, a poem bubbled up from inside and it helped me feel better and I know it is safe to share here. God bless each and everyone of you on this unwanted journey through grief. Peace, comfort and healing to all of you.
Grief covers each day with a veil of sorrow,
muted hues of gray dull the colors
and cloud the vision of tomorrow.
Adrift in a sea of pain,
the struggle to stay afloat,
trying to free myself from this heaviness inside
that threatens to pull me under.
When will my spirits soar again?
O God, take this from me, please!
Release me from the sadness and despair.
Help me to see with fresh eyes
the promise and possibility of each new morning.
Let me embrace each day with shining hope smiling.
But.... my heart mourns for what was.
He is no more by my side.
He is gone where no one can follow.
And now I'm alone to face another sunrise
with grief's haze upon tomorrow.