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Today at the meetings I attend (not loss related) the topic was about forgiveness. At first I thought the topic would be like all the rest, vaguely apply to me and i'd leave slightly clear headed. 

Today however, i felt like I was hit with a bus of self loathing and hate. I was talking to my sister out of law, about how much I missed Blaine and how I keep thinking he will come back.. I'm not sure what I heard but something in me just had a revelation. 

I do NOT forgive, or even slightly forgive the man that I think is responsible for Blaine's death. He was a part of the accident but since then we have heard absolutely nothing about him, as far as we are aware he had not even reported a claim against B's insurance for the damage done to his BRAND NEW truck. I know that I wasnt in the car, and i do not have 100% of the facts, but the way everything reads out there was NO WAY the accident happened the way they said it did if he hadnt of sped up. His big ego was a factor in my love's death... And I HATE him for it! 

Another wave of emotions hit me, I do not and probably never will forgive myself for not stopping him. I feel like if I cared more, I would have stood my ground and told him that he was not going to work when he called my office to tell me what was going on. I should have put my foot down and told him that he needed to stay home and relax. But instead I let him go.

My SOOL noticed the other day that the last thing he sent me was "sorry" ... that is freakin heartbreaking. I made him feel bad about going to work, and now im mentally killing myself for letting him. 

I should have cared more... 

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Comment by missmyhunny on January 18, 2015 at 10:24pm

First i am sorry for the death of your beloved. It is never easy to deal with, especially in the situation you are experiencing. Secondly you had absolutely no way of knowing what was going to happen. You are not to blame for the death. We can't stop anyone from making their own decisions. It has nothing to do IMO about how much you cared, and saying you should of put your foot down or stood your ground is a controlling behaviour, and i know for myself that people don't like to have a battle of wills. All we can do is make a suggestion, but the ultimate decision is theirs.

Please don't blame yourself, i know that is easier said than done. Lots of people  have survivor guilt in one way or another after they experience a death of someone close to them, and if you didn't care you wouldn't be going through those feelings right now. Be kind to yourself you are going through the the worst thing we can endure in this life. Hugs <3

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