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She won't be back
That girl that left on November 5, 2011. She won't be back. So quit looking for her. Quit expecting her to come around the corner at any minute. Quit acting like she's going to return one day. Because she's not. Mourn the loss of her as well and move on. She's gone, that girl that lived in happy oblivion that if she loved someone hard enough, she could save him. The other shoe dropped. She didn't save him. She's not blaming herself, because she knows she loved as hard and as deep as she could. Because when you love hard, by damn, you fall hard too. That girl that left on November 5, 2011 didn't know about this side of things. She was, dare we say, oblivious to this pain. Perhaps it is good that that girl left. What did she know anyway? She certainly wasn't as compassionate to loss as she is now. She certainly didn't see the inner pain in others like she does now. Sure, she was one tough cookie, often grabbing on to the collar of her husband as he was about to enter the gates of hell and pulling him back. She was singed around the edges. One. Tough. Cookie. Or so she thought.
November 5, 2011 brought her to her knees. The other side won. She's not used to losing. How conceited of her to think she would win. She thought she could cut in when he was dancing with the devil and whisk him away. Perhaps at times she did and she got to hold onto him just a little tighter, just a little longer then she was actually supposed to. Thoughts like that get the new girl through the day. Sometimes the new girl is teased by happiness. She likes those times, they help her through. Other times her heart clenches and it works it way down to her gut. She tries hard not to double over, shades of that old girl showing through. Don't ever let them see you sweat. Let everyone think life is okay.
Sometimes the new girl thinks she's going crazy. So she runs away. Away from home and life, toward people with open arms. Who accept this new girl, care for her, dare we say . . . love her. The new one. The broken one. They love her anyway, in spite of herself. One day maybe she'll love herself again too. The new girl is not nearly as self assured as the old one. It may look like she is on the outside, but on the inside she questions so much. Death happened to her, death took her self assurance. Yes, death took from her. But death is giving to her as well. Death gave her new friends that she can't live without. She wishes she never had to meet them, this new girl, but now she doesn't know what she'd do without them.
No, that old girl won't be back. Don't look for her, she's gone. The new girl is here to stay. She may take some getting used to, but hopefully she's not all that bad.
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Comment
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Comment by jean on October 2, 2012 at 9:26pm -
Love this. Love it.
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Comment by mark2112 on October 2, 2012 at 10:37am -
You brought tears to my eyes after I read it. The new girl does have a lot going for her! Also, a lot of friends on her journey.
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Comment by Dianne in Nevada on September 28, 2012 at 10:40am -
I missed this when you first posted it, but I'm so grateful it popped back up for me to see. This is wonderful writing, Kim. The fact that we have changed forever, that we can never get the 'old' us back, is so very true. "The new girl is here to stay." Yes, she is. Guess it's best to get better acquainted with her (ourselves) and learn to love her (ourselves). Thank you.
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Comment by Angie aka Woody's Girl on September 28, 2012 at 2:55am -
So perfectly stated. I am that new girl too; except this one left just a few short weeks later on Dec. 1, 2011. Hugs to you.
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Comment by Sunflower37 on August 11, 2012 at 12:32am -
Hi KK, so beautifully written, thank you for sharing and putting how I feel most times into words. Still trying to figure out who I am now....too much at times. thx again.
ILM-WB-MLA
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Comment by hendrixx2 on August 9, 2012 at 12:37am -
Hi KK,
Being a new friend, I can only say that getting to know this girl is a delight. The sentiment expressed is both revealing and profound. It appears from your description of her, I met that girl once, some time ago; the traits she displayed seem quite familiar to the ones you speak of. That you are willing to examine those traits and relate the innermost thoughts and motivations she exhibited, says more about this girl than anything else. You have brilliantly exposed what I think is a requisite occurrence this girl is experiencing, which is an honestly in detailing the results of the facts regarding self knowledge.
It appears that someone has been peeking behind the Green Curtain and altho there's no fantasy associated with this, the movement towards feeling good once again, can be magical, and scary. You have painted an excellent portrait of some of the things that spring to mind as movement occurs and we take those first tentative steps towards acceptance and a different life.
Thank you so much...
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Comment by chez2all on August 8, 2012 at 11:54pm -
Hi KK, thank you for posting this blog...I am so very thankful that we did meet (virtually)...inspirational writing.
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Comment by Vickie MN on August 8, 2012 at 9:32pm -
Very insightful post, KK. I never knew the old girl, but I can tell you I think the new you is one pretty amazing lady!
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Comment by Suz on August 8, 2012 at 1:24pm -
Dear KK,
Odd, I was thinking the same thing that Joyce was...you and Fred should collaborate! This is so beautifully written but I also found myself deeply in touch with that broken person, being a broken person myself. I know that you know...we can only save ourselves from the gates of hell in this life. We still try and we pull others back for awhile but in the end, they make their own choices. I didn't know the other kk and I am just getting to know this one. I find her quite beautiful, inside and out, brokenness and all.
Big hugs,
Suz
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Comment by Susan J on August 8, 2012 at 12:32pm -
The broken me. Kim, that is so close to my truth. I have had to take those pieces and reassemble them into a facimile of what I was. I think, with all the welds, I'm stronger and even a better me. I am far more compassionate and take life much more in stride. When I have been faced with someone at work with a "real problem" I ask them if someone is going to die, if not, it's not a problem, just a bump in the road. I am much calmer. The worst has already happened, I can handle anything thrown at me now.
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