A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
That girl that left on November 5, 2011. She won't be back. So quit looking for her. Quit expecting her to come around the corner at any minute. Quit acting like she's going to return one day. Because she's not. Mourn the loss of her as well and move on. She's gone, that girl that lived in happy oblivion that if she loved someone hard enough, she could save him. The other shoe dropped. She didn't save him. She's not blaming herself, because she knows she loved as hard and as deep as she could. Because when you love hard, by damn, you fall hard too. That girl that left on November 5, 2011 didn't know about this side of things. She was, dare we say, oblivious to this pain. Perhaps it is good that that girl left. What did she know anyway? She certainly wasn't as compassionate to loss as she is now. She certainly didn't see the inner pain in others like she does now. Sure, she was one tough cookie, often grabbing on to the collar of her husband as he was about to enter the gates of hell and pulling him back. She was singed around the edges. One. Tough. Cookie. Or so she thought.
November 5, 2011 brought her to her knees. The other side won. She's not used to losing. How conceited of her to think she would win. She thought she could cut in when he was dancing with the devil and whisk him away. Perhaps at times she did and she got to hold onto him just a little tighter, just a little longer then she was actually supposed to. Thoughts like that get the new girl through the day. Sometimes the new girl is teased by happiness. She likes those times, they help her through. Other times her heart clenches and it works it way down to her gut. She tries hard not to double over, shades of that old girl showing through. Don't ever let them see you sweat. Let everyone think life is okay.
Sometimes the new girl thinks she's going crazy. So she runs away. Away from home and life, toward people with open arms. Who accept this new girl, care for her, dare we say . . . love her. The new one. The broken one. They love her anyway, in spite of herself. One day maybe she'll love herself again too. The new girl is not nearly as self assured as the old one. It may look like she is on the outside, but on the inside she questions so much. Death happened to her, death took her self assurance. Yes, death took from her. But death is giving to her as well. Death gave her new friends that she can't live without. She wishes she never had to meet them, this new girl, but now she doesn't know what she'd do without them.
No, that old girl won't be back. Don't look for her, she's gone. The new girl is here to stay. She may take some getting used to, but hopefully she's not all that bad.