I feel I am getting stronger and then things fog up again, I start to miss meetings and events, my head is muzzy and I go around in a dream. I find myself watching tv with no idea what I am watching and falling asleep and waking up two hours later. I wonder why I am fine for a while and then suddenly it is like I am just a few weeks out from his death? Tonight I turned to his chair to remark on a program I thought "we" were watching. It is as if there is a time slip and all of a sudden I am back there.
It is winter so I am not getting out as much as I usually do but today I went with some of my grandchildren to an indoor heated pool complex and it was nice to go into the warm pool and do laps and then into the hotter pool to do gentle exercises. The downside was that a man came into the pool with the same left side defects as Ray had and for a moment or two I just wanted to rush over and help him even though he was a stranger. It as if the caregiver in me is just lying dormant ready to regenerate when and if I need it again.
I guess I see these details as an inability to move on, as a treading water instead of swimming, a kind of lethargy of body and mind that reappears every time the status of life around me changes. I do want to move on, move forward, whatever now. I don't want to be stuck as the grieving widow and yet sometimes that is exactly how I feel, as if I haven't done grieving yet.
How do I change any of this? I have been reading motivational material in the hope that I will find an easy answer. But they don't address restarting your life after grief. I guess I need to read more books about widowhood and grieving. I do get a lot of help from this site but sometimes I feel out of step even here.
I used to do phone counselling and if you had said I would be in this wobbly state I would have had a lot to say about slowly changing your lifestyle, taking up new hobbies etc. I am not so good at doing what I would have advised others to do. I wonder how effective that advice was anyway?
This afternoon I went to a church meeting and once again got some suggestions of tasks I might like to do in the church. I know I look as if I have my act together and "should" be able to handle a lot more than I do. Yes, I have the skills and the past experience but not sure as yet that I have the emotional stamina to attack a job in the way I would be expect to do - jobs like funeral planning and follow up...not really ready for that yet.
And so I go on, looking good, looking like I am recovering, looking like a person you could depend on etc. But underneath there is still a lot of things to be dealt with, I know.