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Still Here
Well...I'm still here. Which is a good thing. I'm supposed to be here I guess. I have things to do. I need to get it together so I can be a Mother (to my grown son), a Grandmother (which is what I've been asking for for at least 6 years. I recall thinking how my granddaughter being born 5 days after Paul died was such a blessing during the most terrible time of my life. I also thought sometimes that it was cruel. Because I had looked so forward to the trip to Hawaii Paul and I were going to take to welcome her into the world. I wanted him to be there with me to share one of the most important moments in my life. And I wanted to see him with the baby (my son's baby, not "our" son's). Paul was so good with children. This big, tall tough Marine guy would sit on the floor and play "trucks" with his little nephew. It was one of the reasons I loved him.
But it didn't happen that way. I wish I were able to let go of these fantasies, the losses of my future plans for us.
Even so, I have a deep need to be there for my granddaughter. I never knew any of my grandparents, and I remember what that felt like. I want to be in her life. I want to introduce her to butterflies and books, art and great poetry.
So I have a very, very good reason to go on, but yet some days I still find it so difficult. I say "I hate my life", or "Life is so hard" And then I feel guilty for that. Because I know there are people in this world who struggle just to eat, and those that watch as their families are torn apart by war, famine, disease and poverty. So who am I to be so flippant about my life? So ungrateful. I should be thanking God every day for the comforts I have. But I don't. I complain, and whine and lash out.
Yet I'm still here. And so, for that I owe it to myself? God? those less fortunate than me? all of them? to do something with this life I've been given. So, I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try to remember my blessings instead of my curses, my haves instead of my "have nots", and remember there are no guarantees in this life - so I better take each breathe with the realization that the next one is not a promise.
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Comment by Cristina on September 9, 2012 at 1:22pm -
Ali, absolutely beautiful blog. You are so right. And, yes, your little granddaughter is so blessed to have you to show her butterflies, books, art and great poetry. Way to go, Grandma! And way to keep perspective. I know, I have been grinching at life lately a lot, and I know the mixed feelings you talk about, when I hear myself. I guess it's all relative...and keeping perspective is one of the ways we can keep our heads above water. But, our pain and loss is real, too....thank you for sharing your wonderful insights and attitude. Bless you.
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Comment by bad ass widow on September 9, 2012 at 12:12pm -
The loss of "our" future is huge, but its how you decide to live "your" future that is so hard and yet we do. Your granddaughter will know Paul through your stories and memorys. I never really knew my grandparents either but my Mom and Dad made them real for me in the storys they would tell. And what a lucky little girl she will be because she will get twice the hugs and twice the kisses, one from you and one from Paul. You are here because you are.
(((hugs)))
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Comment by bj628(Bonnie) on September 9, 2012 at 11:59am -
Ali, well put. There have been days, why, why am I here... Our plans are not always God's plans. I too try to remnd myself that there are so many more people worse off than I am.. to be Thankful for what I have.
(((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) Ali
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Comment by LaurieR on September 9, 2012 at 10:32am -
Ali, I agree 100% it is the loss of our future. It is the realization that the future is what I make of it. I hate the feeling of loosing part of myself. How do you go on when someone who you love leaves this world. But we must and find joy along the way. Great post.
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Comment by janet on September 9, 2012 at 10:27am -
Very true. There are no guarantees in life. One of the lessons we learn as we walk this path.
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Comment by honeys(puddin) on September 9, 2012 at 8:29am
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Amen:(
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Comment by mamatrees on September 9, 2012 at 5:07am -
It is very difficult to find a kind of balance between the sadness and the joy.
Yes,i suppose you are right:we lost our future plans.
Everything is different now.
And there are no guarantees.....
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