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STOP TELLING ME WHAT I SHOULD DO!!!

Yes, I am frustrated,so very frustrated with well meaning people that think they have all of the answers to my new life situation as a widow and single parent. My highest degree of frustration is towards my in-laws, especially because their well-intentioned advice is actually their way of trying to control me. I get emails and phone calls and I found myself biting my tongue so I don't curse them out, and I hold back from writing my true feelings in an email.  

Currently it is the "nice and considerate" brother-in-law who has me so irked that I want to say vulgar words out loud. How can someone like my brother-in-law, who is my age (46 years old) yet still lives in a room at his father's house, has never been married, hell- has never been in a long term relationship, has never been a parent, and has never relocated to a different state-  seem to think that he knows what is best for me? He comes across on the phone as so nice and concerned, but everything he says is negative or based in fear.  I am so tired of his comments about how I should not move back home, how I should do this, how I should do that. He is being controlling- his whole family is.  If I want to move back to be near my family, that is my decision to make after I weigh the pros, the cons, the risks and the benefits. I am well aware it is not a simple decision as New Jersey is a very high cost area, but I have given myself until next Spring to decide. I am researching school districts, rents, tax rates, and the job situation, which is not encouraging. During the interim, I am taking a hard look at the costs, my budget, and trying to forecast what I will need to make in New Jersey were I to live there. However, the thought of staying here in Texas so far away from family that never visits, just depresses me!! I don't want to be here for the rest of my life- I know that to be true for myself. My heart tells me to move back as my son and I are alone out here. I don't have roots here, I want my son and I to be around family.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

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Comment by Marianne on August 1, 2012 at 6:10am

Listen to your heart and what your guts tells you.  Maybe some other state close to NJ so visits won't be so hard for family or you to do.  Delaware may be someplace to check out,  my cousins want to leave Ohio because of taxes and may settle there.  Make an adventure out of finding that new place to move to get your son excited. Check out maps,  go on line to see info on cities your interested in,  that's what I do before I travel someplace.    Just some thoughts and also the rambling of a lonely widow. Good luck.  Trust in yourself.   

Comment by Mariposa on July 20, 2012 at 9:49am

Hendrixx2- Thank you for your thoughtful, wise and insightful comments. I truly appreciate them. Peace to you as well.- Mariposa

Comment by hendrixx2 on July 20, 2012 at 12:28am

Hi Mariposa,

It is strange how folks feel that they can determine what is best for us, not only now as we are grieving, but even at other times in our lives.  The fact that they may have no idea of what is best does not appear to stop them from thinking that they have almost a 'right' to do so. This is really ironic once we stop and consider that often, we ourselves are uncertain as to what is the next best move should be.

I personally have taken to dismissing out of hand most suggestions, as I understand that in the end, I will ultimately be the one who has to live with the decision, whatever it might be.  It is important for we who are grieving to remember that we must remain true to ourselves, and that we have not lost our ability to make the best decisions in regard to our own welfare.  

I understand your feelings about being 'irked' and my comment is really focused at that; we have to remember that we don't have to be battered and berated by friends or family.  We have lost our partners, not our ability to defend against unwanted intrusions in our lives...especially now.  For our own mental health, we can, we have to stand for ourselves at these times with conviction and solid knowledge that we simply do not have to take it.  Your restraint in using vulgar words shows you have a bit more control than I do, at one point it was necessary for me to clarify my position on this with some family members, but here, one has to be aware of the nature of their audience, I was, and all measures taken were appropriate. We had that type of conversation once.

I think it will serve us well to remember that these are the new realities for us, this dealing with certain attitudes and surely more opportunities for other to interfere will arise, we must do all we can to be prepared to face them, and remember that it is up to us, we are not helpless, because we have suffered a loss, does not mean we have lost the power to control our lives...not yet any way. My thoughts are with you as you weigh, research, review, and ponder the options available for you, I am confident that any decision you come to will be the best, the best for you, and as long as you feel right about it, that's really all that matters.

Wishing Peace and Healing for you

Peace,

fred

Comment by Mariposa on July 18, 2012 at 8:42am

Susan- Thanks for the support and encouragement! Mariposa

Comment by Susan J on July 18, 2012 at 8:36am

The words "you should" need to be banished from the widows lexicon. We don't have to do any [email protected] that we don't want to and we can do whatever we please. You are making a very informed decision. I applaud your thoroughness.

Comment by Mariposa on July 17, 2012 at 6:34pm

FYI- my family lives in New Jersey and my in-laws live in New Jersey.

A move there would allow me to live closer to both sides of the family.

Comment by Joyce on July 17, 2012 at 4:42pm

Mariposa:  Sherbear is right and so are you.  It is your choice, your life and your BIL needs to get his own and stop trying to run yours.  It seems like most of you wants to move and you are really thinking it through and weighing your options.  Try to just ignore him, if you can.  Hugs!

Comment by Mariposa on July 17, 2012 at 12:43pm

Sherbear-

Thank you for your supportive message and encouragement! Hugs to you! ~Mariposa

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