A community of peers created by the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation
Thank you
7 months today you chose to leave me. For the first 2 weeks I was numb, disbelief ruling my waking hours which were many. Coming into week 3 I began to discover things about you I never imagined and my emotions turned ugly (to say the least). Anger at the situation you had left me with, panic at the realization that I had no savings left and no home...along with an inability to cope with a job requiring a huge emotional input.
Finding the only way I could deal with many of the issues with which I was faced was to take time away from work and eventually make the right decision for my own future to walk away completely a few weeks ago.
So today I find myself thinking of you. Sad that you felt taking your own life was your only option, but tinged with relief that I no longer have to struggle with your mental illness and emotional blackmail, continually walking on egg-shells. I also find myself grateful for the wonderful memories of our 6 years together - travel, working together, your support of my 3 kids, your sense of humour, your 'sayings'.
Even over 6 short years you have left a legacy in the way I view life, not wanting to waste it, not wanting to survive but to really LIVE. I no longer feel restricted by my own thinking, but am venturing into new areas of thinking, expanding my mind, expanding my influences and feeling confident about my choices (not to bad for someone who couldn't make a decision if her life depended on it). Through our time together I learned I am stronger than I thought, taking on responsibilities I always thought should be the husbands...but finding for us to survive I needed to accept those responsibilities with a willing heart. And for you, I did.
Thank you for giving me the years we had, thank you for the love we shared, and thank you for setting me free (I know that was the hardest decision you ever had to make). You will always be in my heart, I love you
Comment
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Comment by kimkirt (KK) on October 15, 2012 at 9:15am -
Oh Chez, my heart just melted reading this and the "thank you for setting me free." I so understand that sweetie. You have put into words what a lot of us have thought and feel when we love someone who is troubled. Somehow as we work through this we do come out stronger and landing on our feet. You are doing that my friend and sharing your thoughts and feelings helps others so much. Thank you also for the reminder that is it okay to love someone who may, at times, have hurt us and made life difficult. It is okay to have loved them and it is okay to continue to love them. Hugs to you my friend!
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Comment by aussiewidow on October 15, 2012 at 3:20am -
Chez, Great to know that you are coming to terms in your own way with what he did and can appreciate the total picture and his legacy in your life.
I never had outbursts or emotional blackmail from my John, who had the sunniest nature ever, whereas in my first marriage I was, as you say, "walking on eggshells", though with someone who didn't have much of a plus side - he abused my young daughter. Just not having the stress of worrying about what someone will say or do next is a huge relief.
Hope that you have some time now to adjust to becoming the new you
I know the life insurance payout and your new house purchase are absolutely not what you would have chosen but they happened because of his death and having the security of owning your own home is so important as means much less to worry about. So I guess that's part of the positive too in another way....that you don't have to worry about rent, house inspections and having to vacate.
Hope you're enjoying the sunshine and spring flowers at your new home. Ann
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Comment by Lisa ( Marielee) on October 15, 2012 at 12:03am
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Chez, Thank you so much for your post. It really got me thinking of who the person my Don was. I believe he "set me free" also from his constant moods of depression. Even though I didn't know enough at the time to identify it as such. You are an inspiration to me and I am sure to other's here . Blessings and peace my friend - Lisa
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Comment by Suz on October 14, 2012 at 10:20pm -
Chez,
This leaves me somewhat speechless. That you could come out of a situation so honestly positive just startling. As I enter into being a person who CAN make decisions, too, I am heartened by your example. Thank you for sharing this. I think you are coming out of this beautifully. I know there will continue to be hard times but you are pretty incredible.
Peace and a big hug.
Suz
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Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on October 14, 2012 at 7:26pm -
Hugs Chez. What a positive attitude you have. thanks for sharing this.
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Comment by fallenangl (Kristen) on October 14, 2012 at 4:39pm -
Beautifully said sweetie. Hugs & loves your way today and every day <3
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Comment by aussiewidow on October 14, 2012 at 4:38pm
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You seem such a wise woman, Chez.
We have learned so much from the people we loved. I guess it is such a sadness that he could not deal with his mental illness induced pain.
Though all this you have seemed such a cheery person at times - think you're blessed with a wonderful personality.I know you will continue to grow.
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Comment by janet on October 14, 2012 at 3:46pm -
Chez, Fred has said it beautifully. It is a pleasure to know a person like you who has the strenght to endure all that you have been trough.
Wishing you Peace and Hope...
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Comment by bj628(Bonnie) on October 14, 2012 at 3:13pm -
Chez. Fred did say it beautifully. To come out of this tragedy in your life, with understanding and Love.
I am glad you have hope and recognize your many strengths.
Wishing you the best that life has, wishing you peace and hope
((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) Bonnie
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Comment by Dianne in Nevada on October 14, 2012 at 12:16pm -
I can't possibly say anything better than Fred's comment ... beautiful words of truth. So good to read of your hope for the future, and of your thankfulness.
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