This site is run by widowed people, for widowed people

Widowed Village connects peers with each other for friendship and sharing. The moderators, administrators, and others involved in running this site are not professionals.

Please don't interpret anything you read here as medical, legal, or otherwise expert advice. Don't disregard any expert's advice or take any action as a result of what you read here.

We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

27 years ......

That's how long my Hubby and I were married and together until he passed Feb 10, 2011.

For the first 3 or so years I only referred to my Ralph in the present tense.

People looked at me strange, and the air in the room went still for a second or more.

It is only until recently I have started to refer to him, my Husband, in the past tense.

It feels and sounds strange to me. Why am i referring to my Husband in the past tense?

Isn't he here with us i ask myself. I feel I have let him down somehow. That I have let "us" down.

By referring to him in past tense, Its as if saying, he is no longer with me, no longer a part of me,

no longer "us". How could i allow this to happen? I tell myself. I am sad to refer to him in the

past tense... then why not refer to him in the present tense? I ask myself. But i am like those around

me, not seeing him, but in my mind's eye, in my heart and memory.

Still, it feels wrong to refer to my Husband, whom I am still married to, in the past tense.

There should be an "in-between" of past and present tense, yes, that would be easier for me.

Views: 149


You need to be a member of Widowed Village to add comments!

Join Widowed Village

Comment by Missing D&Z (Heather) on July 2, 2015 at 10:09pm
I most of the time speak of my husband in the present tense except if someone gets confused. Then I change it. But you are right, it feels so weird saying it. It's like I have "given up hope" or some weird way, if I keep referring to Derek in the present, maybe I won't lose my memories of him? I have accepted he isn't coming back...but there are always those moments where you think he might appear or walk through the front door...

Comment by smp1122 on June 25, 2015 at 5:40am

I also speak of him in present tense....and then when people get confused I will use past tense and it literally feels like someone else is saying the words.  So out of body.

© 2018   Created by Soaring Spirits.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service