Wiser folk than me have said that the first year is a series of 'Firsts' and that you have to get through them to start reaching some kind of acceptance.
Its got me to thinking of the last 11 months and the 'firsts' I have experienced and those still to come.
The first 'first' came seconds after he left me, the first time I took a breath without him by my side.
The next was telling the family, all waiting in the relatives room - first time I had to say the words 'he's gone' out loud.
Then going home, to an empty house that somehow felt emptier than it ever did when he was just away or out.
Climbing into a cold empty bed, on my own.
I could go on for ever but you know where I have been.
Of course there are the big ones, birthdays, anniversary, holidays etc., for these I tried to kid myself that I had the grief covered. that I knew how it would be and that I would be 'fine'.
I was wrong.
You can't fool your heart, it waits for the moment you think have everything under control then releases another thunderbolt of pain that floors you again.
I have just the one more of the 'big ones' to go, the anniversary, so does that mean that on 28th March - 1 year 1 day I will be miraculously at peace with this process?
I think not, the first year is just the biggest of the firsts.
You get the drift, life is one long 'first' now, everything I do and everything that life offers me will be another new 'first'.
Every decision I make, new friend, new experience - all are going to be 'Firsts', I hope that there will come a time when I approach them with a lighter heart and a smile, secure in the knowledge that at some point there will be another 'first' as we are reunited again.
I hope that wherever he is he is watching me with pride, knowing that I am doing my best, that I love him and miss him but understand that our lives were meant to diverge at this point - everything I do from her on in is for us both.
Miss you hunny