I have so many questions I wish I could ask Patrick, but there one I really wish I could ask him is if he forgives me.
The last 2 nights I've had the same dream. In the dream I'm hanging out with the kids and a friend of mine. Patrick shows up. He's realized that he's missed a year and he can't figure out why. The last thing he remembers is calling me to tell me he got to order 1 flavor of every jello they had and he couldn't wait to eat. (This was March 28, he hadn't had anything to eat, other than feeding tube, since the morning of March 5th.)
He doesn't remember anything after that. So I had to fill him in on what happened right after he called me that morning, what happened the following 2 weeks, and that he died on April 10th.
In the dream I am working up the courage to tell him that I had to make the decision to take him off life support. In the dream this is my chance to ask him if he forgives me.
And just before I get up the courage to ask him, I wake up.
My brain knows I made the right decision, and I would do it all over again. My heart on the other hand feels extremely guilty and I can't seem to get the 2 of them on the same page. I am finding out from talking to others that have had to make this decision, this is very normal.
I know its something that I will be fighting with myself for a long time, but I do wish I could ask Patrick and hear his answer, even if its just in a dream.