So I'm sitting at work, it's been 3 months since I lost the love of my life, why the world expects people to return to society so soon and pretend to be okay and normal and not a total basket case is beyond me.....although I must admit there are moments where I tell myself I'm strong enough to get through this only to suddenly feel that "WHAM!!!" I'm talking about the sudden rush of sadness that hits unpredicted, there is no trigger, it just hit......and wallowing in tears and shouting at the top of my lungs and falling to my knees begging God to kill me too, can't exactly be expressed as I like to at work......I'm torn between putting on a brave face and honestly saying screw it! Send me to an institution where I can wallow in my sadness and not be expected to eventually get better or be normal......is it just me, or does there seem to be a tremendous amount of pressure to return to a reality that no longer has meaning and rebuild a life that's no longer wanted......a pressureing need to become at least a shadow of my former self, I feel like an actress everyday, my soul and heart are broken, I've literally been to the depths of hell, and now here I am suffering a form of PTSD, attempting to look, sound, and come off as "Normal" ......I'm not okay, im seriously sick with grief, consumed in depression, only pretending to be getting better, for fear of being committed to an institution should my real thoughts emerge......I feel like my life is a really messed up dramatic idependent movie....only the narrative in my mind isn't being expressed throughout the film......no one can hear my shouting, my crying, my pain that hasn't gotten better, only dull, I'm exhausted from intense grief but I'm still not okay.....and sadly as more time passes and I keep up this facade, the more silent my screams become. Sometimes I just want it to be okay for me to break down as hard as I did when this 1st happened, without being told to calm myself, or be reminded that I've already made it through 3 months......it's a life prison grief sentence.....3 months is nothing!!!