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So I'm sitting at work, it's been 3 months since I lost the love of my life, why the world expects people to return to society so soon and pretend to be okay and normal and not a total basket case is beyond me.....although I must admit there are moments where I tell myself I'm strong enough to get through this only to suddenly feel that "WHAM!!!" I'm talking about the sudden rush of sadness that hits unpredicted, there is no trigger, it just hit......and wallowing in tears and shouting at the top of my lungs and falling to my knees begging God to kill me too, can't exactly be expressed as I like to at work......I'm torn between putting on a brave face and honestly saying screw it! Send me to an institution where I can wallow in my sadness and not be expected to eventually get better or be it just me, or does there seem to be a tremendous amount of pressure to return to a reality that no longer has meaning and rebuild a life that's no longer wanted......a pressureing need to become at least a shadow of my former self, I feel like an actress everyday, my soul and heart are broken, I've literally been to the depths of hell, and now here I am suffering a form of PTSD, attempting to look, sound, and come off as "Normal" ......I'm not okay, im seriously sick with grief, consumed in depression, only pretending to be getting better, for fear of being committed to an institution should my real thoughts emerge......I feel like my life is a really messed up dramatic idependent movie....only the narrative in my mind isn't being expressed throughout the one can hear my shouting, my crying, my pain that hasn't gotten better, only dull, I'm exhausted from intense grief but I'm still not okay.....and sadly as more time passes and I keep up this facade, the more silent my screams become. Sometimes I just want it to be okay for me to break down as hard as I did when this 1st happened, without being told to calm myself, or be reminded that I've already made it through 3's a life prison grief sentence.....3 months is nothing!!!

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Comment by Young Widow on May 25, 2015 at 7:22pm
Thank you all for your replies, knieing others suffer this pain is saddening but reminds me I'm not alone....funny how that helps isn't it? Not that I mean to say I want others to suffer....I wouldn't wish this hurt on my worst enemy, I only mean to say it helps to see others are surviving this me hope I might continue to survive too.

I admit I need to get back to grief support and therapy, since returning to work and deciding to fill my free time with distractions, I've found I haven't been able to return to a grief councelers, therapist, or group. And I need to vent, I need to cry and let it out.....last time I saw a group or therapist was late April, so hasn't been too long, but I need to go back.
Comment by mixelated on May 21, 2015 at 10:02pm

It's as though you wrote what I have been thinking. :/ 

Today started OK, but spiraled down. The fact that it started OK is different - I have to be grateful that today, at least, it wasn't all day.

Comment by H2obapper on May 21, 2015 at 11:31am

You have described exactly how I feel, except it has been 15 months for me since I lost my Ray.  I went back to work 1 week after my husbands very sudden death (he worked in the same field as me and knew all the same "work people") and since then I feel like I need to put on a mask to get through the day so they don't commit me.  Just like you, I continue to suffer from PTSD and other anxiety disorders that have developed.  It is a silent scream that you have to hold inside while at work every day or in front of family and friends, and it feels like everyone expects you to pick up where you left off when you don't even know the place you are anymore.  What you are feeling is so real and i'm sorry you feeling it too.

   What I have found to be most helpful is talking with a grief counselor each week.  This gives me the time to yell, cry, be angry, express my frustration and discuss having to put on that "mask" in a safe and helpful environment.  What you have to remember is that there is no normal, no matter what people think.  I have felt that same pressure to be "normal" every day and it is EXHAUSTING.  I am tired at all times just as you say you are and a lot of it is just the effort of getting through the day.  Take that time to yell, scream, cry, throw pillows or objects if it helps; you have a more than reasonable reason to do it and no one should tell you otherwise.  You have to do exactly what makes you feel better, even if you don't always know what that is.  I hope that as the days go on you feel more able to express yourself without the constraints to feel normal.  Please consider therapy as I know it can be a great benefit. 

Comment by Callie2 on May 20, 2015 at 7:12pm
Three months may not be anything except that you are three months going towards healing. Your feelings are that of grief, and it takes some time until the darkness lifts, but it will eventually. It's all very hard, I know. Maybe some grief therapy would help, have you checked around in your area? The best we can do sometimes is just keep putting one foot in front of the other.....

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