in 9 days it will be 6 months since my beautiful man was killed. It is hard to believe that much time has passed already.
This weekend his parents and I went to install his headstone. On Saturday (which would have been a special anniversary for us, if he had survived) we went out to the cemetery to talk to the grounds keeper and make sure what we were doing was ok. There was a rather chatty older gentleman who was there (it was decoration day, so they were having a big shindig). He first confused me for a child still in high school (I would be 30 this year..) then asked a bunch of questions about my tattoo and my gauged ears, and poked fun at my nose ring. Mind you, I was not in the mood for some older man to be picking on me. Then he drops this bomb on me "So, you got a boyfriend?"
Over the course of our conversation with him, B's mom mentioned a few times that we were out there to set her son's stone.. Apparently he did not catch on, or perhaps they thought she and I were related. Either way, his question felt like a knife in the heart. I couldn't help myself "Yeah,, he is the reason we are out here, he is over there" *Points to B's plot. I couldn't hold it in anymore, I just walked off sobbing.
Apparently the guy felt so bad, he left crying. Is it wrong that I do not really have much sympathy for him being upset? He should have asked who we were out there for, before running his mouth. We left shortly after because we did not want to be building Blaine's headstone setting with all these other people around.
Saturday night we returned and began the build. It was actually pretty cathartic. One more thing we did for him. We, as a family, built that monument to him. His mom and I joked about all sorts of stuff, trying to lighten the mood. A woman came by and asked what we were doing, she hung out with us for a little bit and asked us about the process and where the stone was cut. We left the concrete to cure overnight.
Saturday night, I was messaging back and forth with a guy I met at a party. There is no interest there, I'm not ready to even CONSIDER dating, but sometimes ya just need someone to talk to. The subject of my weight came up and I was essentially told "yeah.. you could use to lose some weight". If something like this were said to me before I met B and before he instilled some sort of self esteem and self worth into me, this would have sent me into a tail spin. Instead I walked into the living room and had a talk with B's mom about this A-hole. B taught me what it felt like to be loved for me, for all of me. He loved me from my fat, to my mood swings, to my baggage from previous relationships. No matter how lonely I get, I will not fall for anything less than someone who truely cares and loves me for all of me.
Sunday afternoon, we went to remove the frame and redecorate. It came out BEAUTIFUL. We could not be more pleased. I may post a picture if anyone would like to see it. It was nice to have another big item checked off the list, but now it just feels more real. Like he really is in there, and he really is not coming back.
May is going to be a roller coaster, between my parent's birthdays, my late grandfather's birthday, and several special dates, including hitting 6 months since B left..