... Well, God decided otherwise. I have fallen off the edge. I haven't been to this site in weeks. Everyday, I told myself to come here and just vent, but I couldn't. My stubbornness took over. Well, this would've been our first Christmas together as husband and wife. God said no. I don't know why he said no, but he did. I miss him so much. I was at the store the other day looking through the aisles for simple bare necessities and kept seeing things that John would want me to buy or make and as I reached for them, I realized that he's not here for me to cook a holiday meal for....so i'm not. I'm pretty much gonna stick to my toast and water every morning and go from there. I'm so lost. I feel like it just keeps getting worse. I play apps on my phone using the wifi from the apartment complex because mine got turned off. No work yet, so everything is going. Even my cell phone is off. I found an app that lets me use wifi regardless of having service so I did this because my sister tried for 3 days to reach me and couldn't.
Is it wrong that I don't care if anyone can't reach me or not. I really don't care. But for my family's peace of mine, I did it.
I feel so angry and selfish and hurt and infuriated right now. This pain is not subsiding. It's been 45 days. I thought I was stronger than this. I guess not. I really want to just crawl into a hole and fester there until I rot. I'm in a really dark place right now. Looking for light up ahead. Unfortunately, I simply don't see it.