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This Would've Been Our 1st Christmas as Husband and Wife....

... Well, God decided otherwise. I have fallen off the edge. I haven't been to this site in weeks. Everyday, I told myself to come here and just vent, but I couldn't. My stubbornness took over. Well, this would've been our first Christmas together as husband and wife. God said no. I don't know why he said no, but he did. I miss him so much. I was at the store the other day looking through the aisles for simple bare necessities and kept seeing things that John would want me to buy or make and as I reached for them, I realized that he's not here for me to cook a holiday meal i'm not. I'm pretty much gonna stick to my toast and water every morning and go from there. I'm so lost. I feel like it just keeps getting worse. I play apps on my phone using the wifi from the apartment complex because mine got turned off. No work yet, so everything is going. Even my cell phone is off. I found an app that lets me use wifi regardless of having service so I did this because my sister tried for 3 days to reach me and couldn't.

Is it wrong that I don't care if anyone can't reach me or not. I really don't care. But for my family's peace of mine, I did it.

I feel so angry and selfish and hurt and infuriated right now. This pain is not subsiding. It's been 45 days. I thought I was stronger than this. I guess not. I really want to just crawl into a hole and fester there until I rot. I'm in a really dark place right now. Looking for light up ahead. Unfortunately, I simply don't see it.

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Comment by Callie2 on December 24, 2016 at 4:25pm
Branbran, 45 days is very recent and your pain is still very raw. I know you are faced with other issues as well and that makes everything even tougher. Your feelings of anger are quite common in grief. Have you contacted any local grief support groups where you live? They may be of help--they can help you untangle the emotions and understand the grief process. I found it helpful to know what to expect. Grief takes time. Please understand that you will work through it just as many of us here have done. It's hard but we learn to focus on one day at a time or even one hour at a time. Hang onto hope! Hugs to you.

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