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Time ......
...... does not heal all wounds.
Or maybe I haven't experienced enough time.
No, I don't really believe that, either.
I don't think that my heart will ever fully heal from being ripped in half on that December day in 2007.
But I do think that I will be happy again. Truly happy.
And maybe I'll be loved again by another man ..... just as much as Jim loved me.
Or maybe I'll be peacefully single for the rest of my life (which is what I want at this point in my life).
Either way, I think I'll be happy.
But I don't think that I will be "healed".
I know I'll be thrilled when I watch the first of our children fall in love and get married.
But I'll also feel pain when Jim's not there to walk our daughter down the aisle ...... or tell our son that he hopes he's as happy as we've been.
I know I'll experience joy at the birth of our first grandchild.
But I'll also experience deep sadness that Jim is not there.
I know this because I'm living it now.
Time has passed.
I've learned to smile and laugh again .... on a daily basis.
I've traveled with my children and loved spending time with them.
I've seen them graduate ...... both high school and college (and grad school).
I've traveled with friends ...... and had fun in new places, as well as in "old" (like my college campus!).
I've enjoyed a lot of things, and a lot of people, in the last few years.
But my heart seems to beat differently than it did before that day in December.
I know that physically, it looks the same.
Just as I know that I look pretty much the same.
But my heart is not the same ...... and it never will be again.
Just as I will never be the same.
In some ways I am better.
In others ...... well, in others I am different.
And in still others ...... I am not.
But I am not "healed".
Our youngest son and I found out last night that he has been accepted to the college of his choice.
It happens to be the same college that Jim and I attended.
Which also happens to be the place where we met.
And fell in love.
He is the first, and only, child who wanted to attend this college.
He's known that for several years.
Jim and I loved that ...... and hoped that he wouldn't change his mind, though we never told him so.
I am thrilled for our son.
I'm excited for him and for what lies ahead.
I expected to feel happy for him.
But I didn't see this part coming.
I didn't expect to feel so much sadness mingled in with the happiness.
My heart feels like it's taken a trip back through time.
Back to an earlier part of my grief when I cried a whole lot more than I smiled.
Because Jim is not here.
He's not here to be thrilled for our son.
He's not here to be excited to attend football games and Dad's weekend.
He's not here to be happy with me that we'll have a child walk some of the same paths we walked at school ...... and wonder if he, too, will meet the love of his life there.
I am happy.
Yet my heart still hurts.
There are some things ...... and some hearts ...... that time simply cannot heal.
Views: 41
Comment
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Comment by jean on September 12, 2012 at 3:51pm -
This isn't a dress rehearsal. <--- thanks Chez... our kids are grown... but life isn't over. let's make sure we LIVE it. Help me off the couch, will ya?! LOL
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Comment by chez2all on September 9, 2012 at 8:06am -
Hi Janine, thanks for sharing this blog...and I totally agree that time (alone) does not heal. I'm nearly 12 years out from the death of my first husband and feel I can confidently say that I have healed from this traumatic period of my life but the healing has left a permanent mark on me. This mark is not necessarily a bad thing as it has helped me become the person I am now. For me the passage of time was simply that, and after 3 years I realized that I needed to be proactive in my grief to heal and move forward.
I arranged for my parents to have the children for a few days so I could go away and focus on my grief for a change...something I had put off for the kids. For 4 days I cried, looked at photos of us, wrote down parts of our story...then dried my eyes and picked the kids up. From there I knew I needed to set aside some time very day for a while to allow myself to grieve. It wasn't easy but eventually I was able to see out the other side of the worst of my grief and begin planning for the future again.
I will always feel sad that he can't be here living our life we planned to have...that will never pass...but I have a new life to look forward to and help my children to live to the full, after all, this isn't a dress rehearsal.
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Comment by Janine (txmomx6) on September 9, 2012 at 1:18am -
Thanks, AEDforever and janet .... I really appreciate your kind words. This path can seem so lonely, but I know that it's not. I know that there are thousands of others who "get it". And while I hate that you ,too, are on this path, I'm grateful that you're here. I'm thankful for those who are ahead of me ...... and for those who are behind me and to whom I can offer a hand.
Connecting with others ...... and letting them know that they're not alone ...... is huge. So thank you. Very much. :)
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Comment by AEDforever (Ali) on September 9, 2012 at 1:01am -
oh Janine...this is what i know, and also what i fear. It's only been almost 7 months for me. And i hate the passing of time. At first, i was in utter devastation and anger. And now..there is an empty, hurting spot inside of me that i can't escape. For me, it's like the pain just grows deeper, down below the surface where people cannot see. I too, laugh sometimes, and i do not cry all day long anymore. But oh, how i miss....everything about him. There is no way that others can understand our pain.
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Comment by janet on September 8, 2012 at 5:44pm -
Janine, so very true. Time does not heal all wounds. The pain eases but it never goes away. Hugs sweet lady.
That is awesome that your son got accepted to the college of his choice.
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