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...... does not heal all wounds.
Or maybe I haven't experienced enough time.
No, I don't really believe that, either.
I don't think that my heart will ever fully heal from being ripped in half on that December day in 2007.
But I do think that I will be happy again. Truly happy.
And maybe I'll be loved again by another man ..... just as much as Jim loved me.
Or maybe I'll be peacefully single for the rest of my life (which is what I want at this point in my life).
Either way, I think I'll be happy.
But I don't think that I will be "healed".
I know I'll be thrilled when I watch the first of our children fall in love and get married.
But I'll also feel pain when Jim's not there to walk our daughter down the aisle ...... or tell our son that he hopes he's as happy as we've been.
I know I'll experience joy at the birth of our first grandchild.
But I'll also experience deep sadness that Jim is not there.
I know this because I'm living it now.
Time has passed.
I've learned to smile and laugh again .... on a daily basis.
I've traveled with my children and loved spending time with them.
I've seen them graduate ...... both high school and college (and grad school).
I've traveled with friends ...... and had fun in new places, as well as in "old" (like my college campus!).
I've enjoyed a lot of things, and a lot of people, in the last few years.
But my heart seems to beat differently than it did before that day in December.
I know that physically, it looks the same.
Just as I know that I look pretty much the same.
But my heart is not the same ...... and it never will be again.
Just as I will never be the same.
In some ways I am better.
In others ...... well, in others I am different.
And in still others ...... I am not.
But I am not "healed".
Our youngest son and I found out last night that he has been accepted to the college of his choice.
It happens to be the same college that Jim and I attended.
Which also happens to be the place where we met.
And fell in love.
He is the first, and only, child who wanted to attend this college.
He's known that for several years.
Jim and I loved that ...... and hoped that he wouldn't change his mind, though we never told him so.
I am thrilled for our son.
I'm excited for him and for what lies ahead.
I expected to feel happy for him.
But I didn't see this part coming.
I didn't expect to feel so much sadness mingled in with the happiness.
My heart feels like it's taken a trip back through time.
Back to an earlier part of my grief when I cried a whole lot more than I smiled.
Because Jim is not here.
He's not here to be thrilled for our son.
He's not here to be excited to attend football games and Dad's weekend.
He's not here to be happy with me that we'll have a child walk some of the same paths we walked at school ...... and wonder if he, too, will meet the love of his life there.
I am happy.
Yet my heart still hurts.
There are some things ...... and some hearts ...... that time simply cannot heal.