Wherever you are I hope you are ok, I miss you but then you know that. Guess all our planning was pointless huh we didn't see this did we, not even in the darkest moments did we see this one.
I hope you are happy and with your parents and my loved ones, look after the boys - they need a Dad and couldn't get better than you.
The kids are great, you would be so proud, did you see the way Mark Jnr looked out for me at your funeral? Hes a man at last.
Claire is awesome and stays in close touch - we are far closer than we ever were and I am really glad for that.
The rest of the family, I guess you are as ticked with Dell as the rest of the family but she is what she is, never going to change, Chris is doing great, had a rough year but its looking up for him now, Jane - well she is heading your way soon, I hope you are looking out for her and going to be there to meet her, she is scared and trying hard not to show it, I am there as much as she wants me to be but its real hard.
The legal stuff, well I knew you would want the doctors held accountable for the mistakes they made, so the solicitors are doing their thing, she told me at the start that I would find the extent of the failings hard and she is right but I have made my peace with this now, nothing can change what is so all we can do is get some kind of acknowledgement of responsibility.
Me, well its been hard, much much harder than I can express, I have missed you so much its a physical ache, I have not been able to see a future past right now, how could I when my future had gone?
I stopped eating when you died, really stopped, got pretty skinny to the point I ended up in the hospital but I am cooking and eating again now so things are better.
I am sure you have rolled your eyes quite a few times at my attempts to do stuff round the house, the decorators are in now fixing everything....
There are some things that have me stumped tho, the lawnmower - why does it hate me?
Why does the strimmer cut my legs way better than the grass?
Where did you hide the lightbulbs? I have looked everywhere and know you had some but cant find em and what did you put them in with, superglue?
How do I change the security bulb?
Blutak, really? you put the alarm sensors up with blutak...
I miss you darling, always will but I am going to make it, you will know that I have 'met' someone, they are good for me, make me feel like I have a life to live - not sure what the future holds but I am sure that you sent them just when I needed them and I am equally sure that you have vetted them thoroughly to make sure they are ok.
Not rushing into anything, couldn't take more pain and survive but I am willing to take a chance.
Whatever my future holds, you will be in my heart, close by and I will always love and miss you, I am getting that tattoo we always talked about soon, on my back just where we said, have changed it slightly but I am sure you will like it..i hope so.
I will never stop loving you, you are part of me, but I have started to move on and hope that you are ok with that.