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I am new on here, my husband passed away from cancer about two months ago.  Even though for sometime I knew he wouldn't be with me for long, I guess I always thought it would be a little bit longer.... it's still so hard to believe he's gone. No matter what, my mind constantly wanders to thoughts of him when he was healthy and happy and full of life and then to when he was sick and had deteriorated .  I'm keeping my head above water but some days just barely.  I have a four year old that I have to try and maintain a sense of normalcy for which seems like torture sometimes.  Just when I think I have it under control my son tells me how he doesn't have a daddy anymore and that he misses him.  It's hard to talk to family and friends because they don't understand and don't seem to say the "right" things.  I know it takes time.... just so hard.

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Comment by Noelene T on Sunday

I am so sorry for your loss.it must be even harder when you have a small child who misses his daddy, i hope you have some support as I have through my wonderful friends, hope Christmas is not too painful or you. Xx

Comment by Rainy (Misty) on November 17, 2018 at 1:12pm

(Sunshine)  I'm sorry for your recent loss.  I am almost a year out and have a 16yr old at home.  My situation is a bit unique in that, My child lost her father to cancer and 2 weeks later she lost her (very loved) step-father to a sudden heart attack.  It's a whole new kind of heartbreaking when you have minor children involved, you want to make their hurt go away but you can't which triggers a grief all on its own. 

There isn't really any right thing to say.  What's right today, might not be right to hear tomorrow.  Grief is ever fickle.  (For me anyway)  Keep treading, it does get easier as the time goes by.  

Comment by sunshinesoon on November 16, 2018 at 10:18am

@MidnightBear I guess what you wrote is probably true.  In this time when there is an extreme feeling of loneliness, anger and emptiness you want someone to be able to relieve or stop those feelings and it's just not possible. On a side note I've read a few of your posts and just wanted to say you write beautifully.  Thanks for taking the time......

Comment by MidnightBear (Tony) on November 16, 2018 at 9:05am

In defense to some extent to the friends and family who don't say the right things, that is largely because there isn't a right thing to say.  While many of us here get it to some extent, we can't feel your exact grief or your exact pain.  While ours is likely similar in nature and strength, we can't truly step into your place and say we understand it all.  If we could, one of us would have written the book already and all you would have to do is read it.  Grief and pain are complicated, they have folds and twists that are equal in strength and nature to the life we had with someone else.  If my 23 years  of marriage could be summed up in a book of a few hundred pages, I would be extremely sad.  

That said, I can certain attest to much of what you said as being things I felt early on, heck I am only 1 year in right now to what promises to be a very long term journey so I am still early myself.  I still have moments where my mind just turns off and I find myself standing there having not moved or done anything for a period of time.  I still have days where I feel I am totally under water trying desperately to swim back to the surface, and other days when I feel like I have reached a new normal and things are okay though not happy.  

The only piece of advise I would give is that perhaps you can tell family and friends that sometimes you aren't looking for advice but you are looking for an outlet.  You need the ability to vent more than you need someone to tell you what to do with your grief.  But you may also need to find a thick skin on some of it.  The number of times I have posted something just to sort of distract people and to have them say it helps me to post such things is amusing.  I don't do it because it makes me feel better, I do it because it stops them from pushing their model of grief on me.  Perhaps that is making me feel better but not in the way they generally mean.  Just know, we are all out here pulling for you and ready to listen. 

Comment by sunshinesoon on November 16, 2018 at 4:45am

@Callie2 thank you very much for the information! I’m learning how to navigate this site.

Comment by KayeL on November 15, 2018 at 9:20pm

You're right. Friends and family don't get it. 

I am close to 3 years losing my husband, and not a day I don't think of his healthy and happy self. His passing was quick. Except losing few pounds because he couldn't eat much and slept horribly in the hospital, he died without looking too sick or weak.I still yearn for having him around to keep me company. Believe it or not, I still wear my wedding and engagement rings. I realized those who know I am widowed always cast strange looks on my fingers even after losing my husband after 3 years. I can't make out what their looks meant but their staring never make me feel comfortable. 

Your blog post is my exact sentiment. My son just turned 5. The fact he is OK losing his dad saved me some headache but he still talks about daddy sometimes. They both were extremely close. The only problem is now he just started school. Seeing his classmates have daddies he would come home to me and randomly talks about his wanting of another daddy. 

The beginning months are hard, It took me almost 2 years to feel relatively "normal" again. I am still not even close to the person I once was and I don't even know if I ever could be that innocent and optimistic me again. But speaking from my own experience, your days ahead will become more bearable. For sure there will always be ups and downs, but the days will be bearable eventually. Hugs. 

Comment by DIVA70 on November 15, 2018 at 12:35pm

So sorry for your loss. Its going on seven months since my husband passed away. I don't think we are ever prepared for the end. My husband was on dialysis and had other medical problems but I still believed we had more time. Even after six months I still have those moments where I just break down and start crying. I attend Griefshare meetings and the meetings have helped me to understand that what I am feeling is normal. Ive also come to the understanding that family and friends may be too close and are dealing with the loss in their own way which means they cant really be of much help. So I have decided to forgive them and just accept whatever they do or don't do. You do say your son is four years old. My four year old and six year old grandchildren had a lot of questions. We answered in ways we felt was age appropriate. But it was different with my grandson who is nine. We recently saw how much the loss of his grandfather has affected him. So we talked to him and we let him know that its ok to miss his grandpa and to cry. We console each other and I believe that's what will help you and your son get through this. The main thing is to do what you've been doing. Get up and do even when you feel like crawling under the cover and never coming out. Through your tears just do! My prayers are with you.

Comment by Callie2 on November 15, 2018 at 10:05am

So very sorry for your recent loss. The early months are really rough and having to comfort a young child must be even more heartbreaking. It does take time to work through grief so be patient and kind to yourself and to your son. I hope you are getting the support you need right now. Also, check out the group section to see if any might be similar to your situation on this site. We all understand loss here and recognize that even a few kind words can make a day a little less painful. Hugs to you and your little boy.

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