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I just returned from my California trip.  My Mother and Aunt reuniting after not seeing each other for years was heartwarming.  I am happy that I could make that possible for my Mother.  I had a okay time, was mainly thinking of my Husband, who died 69 days ago.  I didn't want to be a downer, so I put on a smile and acted like everything was fine.  I was glad to get home this morning to my own surroundings where I feel comfort.  I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.  I don't want to be around anyone with these sad feelings and I feel like other's have had enough of my sadness and want me to move on, but I can't. 

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Comment by Gaining Strength on May 18, 2014 at 3:04pm

I know the feeling of not fitting in anywhere. sometimes I do not want to be with my friends who are all married. I am self employed so I do not have an office and co-workers to speak with. I do not even tell my family any of my fears because they cannot help me and will only worry and fret amongst themselves. This forum is the only place that I can be whomever I am at various moments. The first time that I had to go to a social gathering after he passed, my friends (a couple) wanted to drive me. I know that they were being kind and considerate but I did not want to sit in the back seat like a child so I drove myself. I had to park the car and walk back to the place which I never did before. He always dropped me at the door then park the car.  Another thing is that I feel strange paying my own bill for drinks etc. That's new to me. 

Comment by Lois on May 27, 2013 at 3:50pm

The early days (and by that I mean the first few years!) are not a pleasant journey.  I often used to look at couples and think, "How come they can be together and not me?".  Or I'd see children with their dad and think, "Why should my kids miss out?".  Over time this has become less and less (although I do now have to occasionally force the thought out of my mind and on to more positive activity).  Life for me is now more of a conscious effort, rather than something that just happens.  I send you lots of love and hope you'll find comfort soon.

Comment by New-widow on May 22, 2013 at 7:10am

I feel the same way. Going out in public takes energy because we do pretend everything is ok. I also love the comfort of my home because I don’t have to act as though everything is fine. 

Comment by Pat on May 20, 2013 at 7:37pm

Definitely know what you mean.  This new life takes some real discovering, that's for sure!

Comment by Morgana (Janet) on May 20, 2013 at 6:33pm

It is so fresh and new for you Lizbeth4.  It takes a long while before we begin to move forward in this journey.  I am glad you were able to to reunite your mom and aunt.  Sending prayers your way.  May your days be softer.


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