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Uh-oh...here it comes;/
I can actually feel it creeping and welling up inside me. Everytime it's the same but a little different. Like adding anothet facet to this black stone called My Life. It really started to hit me in the head and heart yesterday. Today it's stronger and causing more anxiety. Once I slowed down and asked myself "what the heck is wrong with me (aside from the obvious) I realized it's the beginning of another "bad spell". Sigh. I really really hate this crap. The tears are here. The uneasy feeling that tugs at my heart and the pit of my stomach. In my head all I keep saying is "I am NOT OK with this (the rest of my life without my Honey). Life is pulling me forward and I don't want to "play". For the first time since he died I actually thought about suicide. I won't do it but to actually even think about it is strange to me. When he died I did have a death wish (and I still do) but I wasn't suicidal (I just didn't want to wake up in the morning). These "episodes" suck. The last one was about 2 weeks ago and lasted a week. I'm 5 months out. I'm a strong woman, always have been but this is really testing me. I've got friends and family keeping me busy, house projects, photography shoots, work and I'm even starting to cook a little again (I usually give it away but still) but I don't have the will to go on. In my head I'm trying to figure out how to kill myself without actually killing myself. I started smoking his little cigars after he died thinking that would get me to him sooner but I don't really smoke them enough to be too bad for me. I eat pretty healthy because that's just what I like. I don't drink alot because I don't feel like it anymore. I even thought about joining a gym (which I've never ever done) because my arms hurt sometimes and I just want to feel better but then I thought "I don't want to get healthy and prolong this life. Sigh...guess I'll just hang on for the "grief wave" ride;/
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Comment by honeys(puddin) on October 17, 2012 at 7:13am
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MissingRKK I am hanging on and I can't wait till I rise up to be with my Honey again:) Joyce that's how I feel about everyone else in my life except for us here:)
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Comment by Joyce on October 16, 2012 at 10:41pm -
honeyspuddin: So understand what you wrote, sometimes hanging on to the roller coaster ride gets very tiring. By the way, i love your term "the others", so appropriate.
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Comment by MissingRKK on October 16, 2012 at 10:04pm -
Hugs to you, Honeyspuddin. Hang on, the ride is beyond awful but there is an end to it and you will rise up. Hang on.
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Bonnie, I have three Boxers and they are our babies. They need me, I spoil and love them to no end. They make me live this life. I am sad at the thought of them w/out me. My family and friends can fend for themselves but not my babies. Honey and I spoiled them rotten and now it's just me. Sometimes I wish I didn't have them and the other times I'm so glad I do:)
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Comment by bj628(Bonnie) on October 16, 2012 at 12:57pm -
(((((((((Honeyspuddin))))))) This is something I could have written... word for word a few months ago. I think my actually grieving was put on "hold" for awhile, as I was trying to run John's business. I closed it, once I closed it a LOT of stress was off me, and I actually had time for me, and to grieve and HURT. Those feelings have gone. I miss him like crazy... but I guess it is not my time to Go. I found something I hadn't thought of in a long time. " I guess God isn't finished with me Yet". I do not know what the future holds or even what. I take each day at a time. I have our dogs. we called them our kids, and they are all elderly. They keep me going, feeding, taking them out, and loving them.
Wishing you peace, and getting through this devastating time. I do see a glimmer.... at the end of this tunnel.. I will carry him in my heart forever, and know some day we will be together again. Until then taking one day at a time... Life is a gift, it has happiness, sadness and heart break. I would not give up one second of the time we had together.
Take care, treat yourself gently.
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Thanks janet. It helps to verbalize things to people who get it. Sure as heck couldn't say these things to "the others";/
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Comment by janet on October 16, 2012 at 9:49am -
Hi honeyspuddin. It takes time and even at 5 months it is still so new and raw. It does get easier and the pain eases but it doesn't ever go away. Be gentle with yourself. This chapter of of life is tough but we have survived it up until now and will continue to survive.
I read something the other day that put a new light on death. "Death is all about falling apart. You have to fall apart so you can rebuild yourself." That is what we are doing as we grieve and mourn the loss of our spouse.
One breath, one step and one day at a time. Wishing you Peace and Hope...
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hendrixx2 my desire to not be here hasn't changed. Life is pulling me forward so I am functioning. I don't want to see a future w/out him-I just don't verbalize it like I did all the time in the beginning. I absolutely hate it here w/out him. It is what it is though;/
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Comment by hendrixx2 on October 16, 2012 at 9:02am -
hi hp,
It's interesting in that those thoughts were in my mind from the start of this, this idea of leaving, before I understood about the waves and roller coaster...just didn't feel it was much to hang around for. That changed, but it wasn't easy; I imagine i'ts a dilemma we all face...((hugz))...and keep moving forward...Peace
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Mariann I haven't slept through a night in way before he died. I have an arm issue that causes pain throughout the night and it disrupts my sleep, then he started in and out of the hospital since mid Feb., then he died mid May and rest is my miserable history. I am getting more moments of sleep now so that's some sort of improvement. The dogs are even letting me sleep longer also which is also an improvement. I know I need sleep but I don't want to take sleep pills because it's only me here and I want to be somehwat aware of things. I do feel stronger on some days. I stay super busy most evenings and weekends. Sometimes too busy for my own strength. Thanks Ali, I'm hanging on as best as I can. Sigh. My Mantra for this episode is "This is fucked up;/"
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