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Friday, I started on Wellbutrin. It makes me a little muzzy headed about an hour after I take it, though that's starting to clear up. Not sure if it's helping or not, though the effects can take a week or more to kick in, so I guess we'll see, and up the dosage to 3x daily if needed.

This week is going to be trying to find someone, somewhere, who will take the things of Howard's that need to be consigned/liquidated/whatever. And moving them from out of the dining room, at the very least, even if it has to be moving them to the guest room. Part of me feels like a horrible person for wanting everything gone. Part of me just hears Howard telling me that all he wants is for me to be happy, and I can get rid of whatever I want. Sigh. I don't know.

I might start on getting the walls in the master bathroom stripped of the wallpaper goo so I can paint them. I'd kinda like to invite company to dinner, but we'll see. I feel a little better from the Wellbutrin, but I still have HUGE anxiety issues, so we'll see how well I deal with that.

The anxiety is new. I've dealt with it, but it's never been like this; it's never been this bad and debilitating. I've never been so scared to reach out to someone and say, "I really don't want to be by myself right now. Will you come hang out with me? I'll make dinner." The problem with something broken in your brain is that you can *see* where it's broken. You can recognize that yep, that's a broken bit. But you can't get around it. You can't make it not be broken, and you can't logic your way past it. It's like walking the Broken Pattern of Amber. That break is in all the shadows you travel to.

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Comment by Medea on September 15, 2016 at 6:19pm

smit09, thank you.  I know I'll heal, and I know that I'll be able to deal with things.  But when getting out of bed seems like the hardest task in the world, or asking a friend if they want to come over for dinner just suddenly fills me with dread...  It's frustrating to SEE where the break is, know it's there, but not be able to logic around it.  

Hugs. 

Comment by Medea on September 15, 2016 at 6:17pm

SweetMelissa2007, I'm pretty familiar with Wellbutrin, but thank you for the heads up.  

Comment by smit09 on September 15, 2016 at 5:24am

I totally get the 'walking the broken pattern"

I teach yoga and meditation, therefore, of course, practice it!  It has helped me leaps and bounds with my anxiety.  I couldn't believe how debilitating it was in the first parts of my grief, especially the first month after the loss.  You are so right in recognizing that theres these broken bits...good on you for posting this... I didn't understand how to communicate that I understood that things were broken and needed help, I had no idea how to make people trust that I was going to be okay, because at the time I didn't... but ultimately knew that I would be. (I don't know) 

It's a scary place when the anxiety feels like its suffocating you and you know  that things will get better, but impossible to be at that place... logic can't penetrate through

hugs to you, peace to you as you heal

don't let the guilt get in the way of gut feelings....it's difficult to navigate a path we've never been on.  Lean into your grief, because there is no avoiding it...trust in the process, and tread carefully. 

xo

Comment by SweetMelissa2007 on September 14, 2016 at 3:52pm

Monitor yourself while taking Wellbutrin as well as look up its side effects.

Years before my husband was killed, I quit Wellbutrin after 2 weeks (to quit smoking) when I started having suicidal thoughts and anxiety.

Take care ...

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