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We're friends, not doctors, financial or legal professionals, and we're not "grief experts." But we are here, and we've been "there."

I am feelimg sorry for myself. I have been home from hospital for four weeks now. I have got over that first joyful feeling of being glad to be alive, over the dreading a ruptured aneurysm, grateful for the many people who supported me etc. My family love me but as they live a distance away from me it is easy to see it is out of sight, out of mind. My daughter said she would try to get down to see me every week but that was never going to happen was it? I know she is busy with her family and her church congregation and I am not really in need of her help but would love her to come just to see I am okay.

I do know why I am at that stage of feeling sorry for myself, I have that trapped feeling because I am not allowed to drive and so in order to go anywhere I have ask for one of my friends to transport me. I want to be independent. A lot of people have told me to call them anytime and they will take me anywhere I need to go and I am sure they meant it at the time. But I find that when  I ring to ask if if is possible for them to take me to church, to buy something at a particular shop or to pick up something I need there is that pause and either a polite explanation of why that is difficult right now or a longer pause while they consult a spouse which makes me feel I am inconveniencing them and  I am more reluctant to ask next time.

So I have been on public transport a couple of times in the last week to see if that makes me feel more independent. There was a lot of time lost while I waited for connections etc but at least it gave me a feeling of being freer to do things my way. My walking will never be what it used to be before the melanoma operation so I am slower and the hill on that last leg of the way  home seems steeper  but I can do it. For even though now it is difficult  I am going to get stronger and I will be able to do the distance in a shorter time. I am very determined and have overcome a lot in the past two years so it is just one more hurdle.

I know now that what I do is where my self esteem is so when I am not able to do what I usually do I feel useless. That is how I have been feeling all day today, out of sorts and out of place.So I need to change the way I look at my life and how I feel about myself. I am 72. I am a widow.  I am alone. I have some lovely supportive friends but cannot take their help for granted. I have to live a life that is still satifactory even if it doesn't involve being an active community worker. I may be able to go back to that but even if I can't that has to be okay. I am not sure how I am going to achieve this but I will.

Dealing with changes for whatever reason is hard but like most people who have had to deal with a lot of hardship in life I know I have the strength of character to change. The challenge is do I have the energy? I still have the thyroid operation to go yet. That should be less of a problem than the last three operations surely? I have to contact the surgeon for that operation after I get a clearance from the neurosurgeon. More tests, more needles, more scans etc. More convalescence but hopefully a shorter one.

I can sing "One day at a time" and that is crazy easy compared to living life that way. Nothing changes and then everything changes, that's life.

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Comment by only1sue on August 28, 2019 at 5:39pm

Dee, I feel as if I should feel more grateful. But there is bound to be some changes when a surgeon has been digging around in your brain so maybe  the world is a little out of kilter right now. This time next week I will see the neurosurgeon's team for a check up so will know what my new normal will be.

Comment by Dee1960 on August 28, 2019 at 4:15pm

Nothing is "wrong" with you, except perhaps health issues. I know how you feel about asking people to drive you places, etc. as I have the same difficulty. But you are trying, and that's good, nothing "mentally" wrong with you, bless your soul, just going through difficult times without your husband. Know how that feels. Take care and take it one day at a time. You sound like a strong woman, I think you'll be fine.

All my best,

D.

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