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It's been one year and 15 days since Wayne's body stopped.  Just stopped. His body was alive one minute, and not the next.  May 20th, 2012.  A week before this was Mother's day, May 13th.  The day before that was Saturday. And the hospice team came to meet Wayne, me and our two daughters.  They, by some miracle were both home. They were with their Dad his last day home, ever. 

  Saturday evening Wayne started failing.  He was anxious. He was uncomfortable. He was in pain. He'd developed a nose bleed  which was uncontrollable by 3:00AM.  He said, "I want to go to the hospital".

We'd known that the prostate cancer had spread to his bones 2 years prior. Then it spread to his brain.  He'd had surgeries and radiation to bone and brain. Two years of practically living in the hospital.  Two years of hope intertwined with hell.  Two years of the two of us going to sleep in our comfy bed, and deciding in the middle of the night that something was very wrong.  The midnight runs to the hospital, Memorial Sloan Kettering, which was an hour away.  

  So, why do I have inertia?  I made important decisions every day while Wayne was alive. Medications, Doctor appointments, insurance, financial, and household issues. Everything.

  So why can I now do nothing?  What's wrong with me?  

I was "Superwoman" when he was alive.  

Where is "Superwoman" now?  Where?

  

Diane

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Comment by Patience (Diane) on October 7, 2013 at 10:14am

Maria, yes, it's sorry, seven months is a long time to be incapacitated. Wayne was a fighter too. So was I and sounds like, so were you. 

Rainsong, I'm glad I started this too. I so sorry that your husband went through so much.   I miss those days in the trenches too. Kudos to you for actually selling your house and moving.

Comment by RainSong on October 7, 2013 at 1:26am

Thank you so much for starting this discussion!!  It is funny how I will be feeling something, and look at the discussions here only to find out I am one of many on the same emotional, confusing path.  My husband died of bladder cancer in February, after a three year battle.  There were five surgeries (biopsy, bladder removal, right kidney removal, removal of tumor from just under lining of skin in stomach area, and the one that told us there was no  hope...the removal of tumors in his intestines-there were too many).  Then there was the chemo, the radiation, more chemo that left him completely drained and disoriented for days.  I managed it all (because of him-what an inspiration my husband is!!!)  and felt like I could tackle anything.  After his death, I also tackled stuff in the house so that I could sell it, and I moved into a condo.  Now, eight months later, I am finding that I don't have the drive at work that I should -spend time just staring or moving slowly through work. I can't seem to organize my personal life, and everything seems like I am walking through mud.  I get stuff done eventually, but it is not with the same fervor that  I am used to.  I find it a little disheartening to learn that the second year can be worse, but I can already sense that I am entering that stage....the loss now has had time to sink in.  Rambling...sorry. Again, thanks for starting discussion.  I find myself craving those hospital days when there was hope, when I felt like I was helping him in some way.  Not that I want him to go through that pain again, but we were a team, best friends working on getting him better.

Comment by Mary0624 (Maria) on October 6, 2013 at 5:22pm

Gary was incapacitated for almost seven months.  I didn't realize how sick he really was.  He had fought back from near death before and I thought he would do it again..all I had to do was convince the doctors that he could do it.  He tried so hard, and fought so long.  In the end, we couldn't talk really (he was on a vent) but he made the decision to stop.  He took care of us to the end.

Comment by Patience (Diane) on October 6, 2013 at 2:06pm

Susan, thank you. So very sorry for your loss. Wayne entered hospice on May 12. But I signed him off hospice on the 13th when we had our last midnight run to Sloan.  Long story, but signed him back on May 15. He died in hospital hospice on May 20.  Wild and crazy times. Grateful I could be there for him.  

Comment by booktime (Susan) on October 6, 2013 at 2:46am

This so resonates with me! Ed's battle began to really be lost early this year, June really. Pain pain and spreading cancer. I did go into superdrive, managing meds, food, appts. And my life too. This really explains how I feel what you wrote.

Ed's passing was somewhat more peaceful but quick. Entered hospice on Sept 6, died on Sept 15. I had no idea it was going to be so quick! We had talked about him getting back home with hospice but that didn't happen.

Inertia - yes that's what I feel. And Judy is wise: one day at a time. I'm not used to doing that but will try to learn.

Comment by Patience (Diane) on July 29, 2013 at 7:03am

Thank-you so much, Judy.  You are an inspiration too... this is a rocky path we are on.. but we will get through it together.. all of us..  I know our two Supermen are together and smiling :)

Comment by judy on July 29, 2013 at 6:40am

I guess I was a Superwoman because Justin definitely was my Superman. When he was in his horrific car accident and they didn’t think he would survive – being left cut open on ice for 48 hours – those were so crucial.  And the sad thing of all of this – I only knew him for 3 weeks.  We had just met 3 weeks prior.  Through faith and strong beliefs, we got through that – even told he wouldn’t walk again.   So, for me – I thought he got through this horrific car accident – he could get through anything.  But all the decision making, for all the minor hospital stays and visits – we got through it.  Now, decision making for myself is difficult.  So I understand Dianne what you are going through.  We just need to take this one day at a time and believe that we have hope to get through with what we went through with our loves.  We will see light at the end of this tunnel, one day.  But for now, take life one day at a time.
There are happy days and then there are those moments that we need to get through.

 Dianne, you are amazing and inspirational.   You have 2 beautiful daughters who look up to you.  Nothing is wrong with you - you are going through what we have to unfortunately go through - and just take one day at a time.  Too me, you are very special and dear to my heart.

Comment by Patience (Diane) on July 29, 2013 at 6:27am

Katja, Good point about not really being able to process what was happening with our loved ones during the time they were suffering.  And yes, reliving it all now... Wayne's prostate cancer went to bone first.. then the rest that you mentioned... PTSD, yes...   I am only recently able to gradually replace mental imagaes of those nightmarish times... with happier times...  sending happy thoughts... and hugs...

Comment by katjames on July 29, 2013 at 4:51am

It's amazing when we look back at all we did for our beloved.... I had almost 4 years with Edd battling colon cancer.  It also went to lungs, liver and brain.  Bones too most likely at the end because of the pain he had.  After he passed I had to deal with (and still deal with) the memories of all those emotionally traumatic experiences that I didn't have time to think about then.  I was just too busy doing what needed to be done.  Now all I have are the memories that are sometimes relived in my mind... which causes a post traumatic stress... a very real thing.  My body is still processing all the events that went on throughout Edd's illness because we dealt with it all, we LIVED it all, TOGETHER.  It will take us a long time to find the place of rest and peace.  We need to just keep taking care of ourselves and focusing on one day, one moment at a time....  Hugs......

Comment by Patience (Diane) on June 20, 2013 at 6:01pm

Thank-you, Jerry.  A well deserved rest, I like that. I'm sorry your Mom got sick after your wife passed. 

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