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Widow's Cooking, or, What's Burning Tonight?
At least 1000 pots after Gavin's death, I widowed the fucking coffee again today. Around here, if we're in the kitchen, "widowed" usually means more or less burned, although Mr. Fresh insists that last night I "widowed" the partner of the rice, not the rice (or the pot). Peh! If I can destroy a 1-qt 18-18-stainless pot just trying to boil a damn egg, I obviously don't have time for the niceties of transitive vs. intransitive verbs.
Gavin and I had a superfancy Alessi espresso pot with a great story ("was $225, NOW just $5") behind it. After he died, I committed to simplifying by purchasing a conventional drip.
You wouldn't know when you meet him that there are at least a dozen ways to strike out with Mr. Coffee. First of all, you can defeat his wisely installed safety features. One morning I forgot to close the lid on the pot, so boiling water backed up in the filter area. The counter spilled over with boiling water mixed with coffee grounds. Two towels later I tried to correct it (mid-stream, so to speak -- I added more water) but the coffee tasted like dirt. On other mornings, I managed to leave off every possible component: water, coffee, filter, the tray that holds the filter and the pot. I managed to keep it unplugged or not turn it on until it was time to leave. I'd set it up the night before and mmm, wht's that fantastic smell waking me up at midnight? A few times, I left it on all day to sludgify. That one, I know you've done.
And how many ways can you screw up coffee if you count combinations of two errors on the same day? Three errors? As my Sensei used to say, I having experience.
It's only natural for a young widow to be distracted, to try to multi-task a bit more than your average Mom, and to not care much about small things like nutrition when she has so much "on her plate" already.
Many widows will talk about the futility of cooking. It's hard to change recipes (how much is 2/3 of a handful?) and you have to set the table for one less adult, a constant mistake to make, a painful and frustrating reminder not only of loss but in our addled minds, of our failure to adjust. There's always a backlog in the sink, so you get stuck using the wrong pan for the job, either overflowing it or adding too much liquid in an attempt to cover the bottom. And don't get me started on running the dishwasher when no one's around to empty. I'd rather just leave all the clean stuff in there for a while than face that no one else is home.
Combine these feelings with a new incompetence that makes you forget to shake juice (bad) and NOT shake soda (very bad) and you have a lot of extra cleanup and still no meal.
In this situation it can be a blessing that grieving folks tend to have little appetite. But I had a toddler and an elderly MIL to cook for (both with freaky eating habits), and a little bit of pride in independence, so I soldiered on. A few weeks after Gavin died, I found myself at J.C. Penney buying a cute yellow microwave, my first. We have an adorable vintage kitchen and insisted we couldn't spare the counter space. There's something not worth standing up for after your world dissolves.
You can probably see why we quickly became dependent on frozen entrees from Trader Joe's.
After a year of fishsticks, pizza, and salad-in-a-bag, with its accompanist, my deteriorated cholesterol numbers, I started trying to use the kitchen more fully. But I was still a widow.
"Widowing" doesn't just involve burning. Once I got really organized and cooked extra chicken breasts, deliciously I might add, but left them in the (off) pan overnight. Cooking like a widow includes making useless grocery lists that say "chocolate, tampons, 100 other things" but no food. I would buy expensive cuts of meat that I didn't know how to cook or out-of-season produce that would spoil immediately. And I didn't want to eat any damn leftovers. I threw out the fridge as often as most of us thrown out the mail.
It didn't help that for a "timer" I would use a beer. "I'll turn down the rice when this (half-empty) beer is finished." I'm sure you can see how effective that technique is.
Perhaps bad cooking is itself a way to grieve. After all, smell and taste recall the past more vividly than other senses. It's too easy to say, "the last time we ate this, Gavin was here" or "this is the first time we've had Thai without him." The landmarks pile up. Steamed broccoli is always the same, even though our family looks different.
Perhaps cooking badly is a way widows can continue to tear their hair and beat at their breasts: a new way to mortify the flesh in agony, in memory.
But I'm out of active grieving. Now my challenge is to cook enough protein for the meaty Mr. Fresh, who's joined our table and our lives. I am remembering some skillz but I still use a beer for a timer sometimes.
Maybe we'll register for some fancy new cookware? We could still use a 1-qt and I'm in the mood for egg salad.
Disclaimer sidebar: Not all widows are shitty cooks
Some of us not only eat but also, egad!, cook well: Snickollet cooked a luscious-sounding fish dish, for a date no less, and J-in-Wales has published some wonderful recipes (one, two, three, and an unnumbered soup.) These plans share the virtue of simplicity, but then, in their authors' first-things-first, no-nonsense wisdom, that's no surprise.
There's also at least one recipe named for us, though it seems like an awful lot of ingredients for an actual widow to have on hand: "Widowed potatoes."
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Comment by Angel1 on February 28, 2013 at 1:08pm -
You have to have canned biscutes cut up colby montery jack cheese turkey pepperoni or regular So then you take your biscut flatten it out add a piece of the pepperoni then a piece of cheese then another piece of the pepperoni on top wrap the biscut around the whole thing place in a greased pyrex pan cook in a 350 oven for 10 to 15 minutes or until browned every body ovens are alittle different. When done you can dip them in pizza sauce if you want but good without.hope you enjoy.
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Comment by Angel1 on February 28, 2013 at 1:00pm
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Turkey choreso chile, cook turkey meat then add choreso cook until done ad two cans of whole canne d pinto beans, then add two cans of diced tomatoes,can of corn optional, add chile powder pepper, season salt garlic powder and either whole onion or onion powder. cook until all combined. It is really yummy. I hope you enjoy this
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Comment by GG Rose on May 18, 2012 at 4:22pm
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I absolutely love this post! Talk, again, about getting it. We should start the Widow's Cooking Chronicles. I was trying to think about Wildow's Adventures in Cooking or WAC'd cooking but need some help here.
Please allow me to share my own cooking chronicles from yesterday:
Here’s cooking update, I think I jinxed myself with the last email on Widow’s Cooking but this is how it is.
I came home last evening, starving and knowing I needed to get out in the yard ASAP to get yard work done. So I decided on my way home that I would fix one of the remaining twice baked potatoes that were residing in my freezer.
Instructions seem quite simple, bake for 30 minutes at 350 or microwave on high for 5 to 7 minutes. I opted for the 5 minute microwave option. I removed the outer wrap from the potato (feeling so proud) and popped it into the microwave for 5 minutes. I hurried upstairs to change my clothes. Just as my foot hit the last step coming back down, I heard the familiar “ding” of the microwave signaling the end of the cooking. By now I was nearly bursting with self-satisfaction to the point of being a bit smug. I opened the door of the microwave to remove my well-deserved feast…I was soon struck by reality to discover my beautiful twice baked potato had been the victim of over cooking. To my utter dismay, I thought perhaps the center would be edible but not to be. Unfortunately, I had only prepared one. Had I done two; I could have resoled my Birkenstocks.
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Comment by GG Rose on May 16, 2012 at 10:45pm
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I LOVE THIS POST!!! Reiterates that I belong to this group becasue we all subscribe to the same insanity. And we can laugh about it! I don't know how many I times I left the burner on - I have a gas range top. Finally realized that for everyone's safety I needed to stop cooking!!
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VOLUNTEER Comment by Supa Dupa Fresh on November 9, 2011 at 10:25pm -
Ooh, Roseann, I didn't know you could burn papers in a grill! That would have come in very handy recently as I move 75 boxes from the old house to the new house.
I feel ya on the fruit. I mean, who invented that stuff? If it somehow makes it into the house, I can nearly always eat it.
Even after having gum surgery. Like today. (ugh!)
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Comment by Roseann on November 9, 2011 at 4:53am -
My meals stopped when Charlie got sick. He didnt eat but small stuff at first..fruit, soups..my son who is 11 cooked for himself he is a champ at the microwave. Our I order a pizza a couple times a week for me and my son and we now go out a lot to eat. My son is a picky eater so what he does make for himself I try and watch so it is a balance. I sure do miss cooking big dinners. This Thanksgiving I asked my son..do you want me to make all our favorite stuff he said well, I would like to go to golden corral..so that is where we are going. Family lives 10 hours away and we will be going xmas time. I try and make it up to see my parents once a year but my son goes in the summer and xmas time. NMWidower I love George Foreman grill I got a little on and a big one..food cooks good and fast! I have a grill outside that was Charlies favorite thing to do ..but now I just burn papers in it. Kerryn I am going to make dinner time again for me and my son...I will start this after the funeral on Friday (Veterans Day) I just am glad at 11 he knows how to cook. He does his own laundry too ..I am an older mom and I thought it best to teach him how to do things like this so when I go he is prepared.... He has been my medication through the whole ordeal. Kerryn that is all I ate in the first few days my stomach couldnt take much more other than fruit. If I do eat I feel sick. So for now its coffee and fruit for me at least for now.
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Comment by NMWidower on October 26, 2011 at 1:23am -
@ Kerryn. I was amazed at things I could find at Costco. That helped me a lot in my first year. The used to have these cooked tyson chicken breasts that were actually really good even when warmed in the microwave (I am still astounded by that) that I used in lots of things from quesadillas (seriously its pretty amazing what one can do with avocados, chicken, and american cheese and tortillas.) They also had good easy asian food bowls that I liked and my kids did too. It was not my long term solution, but for a long time this was a lifesaver. They even have decent frozen burritos and hamburger patties. Lots of options for things they could easily make. I even like the bags of frozen fruit there. I love those for smooties or even topped with some yogurt and sliced almonds. Trader joes also has some decent quick meal ideas that you might want to look into. I have since branched out but have kept a list of simple things.
I think even a small table top grill could be a good thing. Like a george foreman or something that can make different things easily.
Anyway best to you as you learn how to live life again after grief! I found cooking was like learning to walk again for me and I was a pretty good cook before. Its only recently I am feeling close to where I was before... Pat-NMWidower
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VOLUNTEER Comment by Supa Dupa Fresh on October 25, 2011 at 1:39pm -
Kerryn, yup! Sorry that I hit a chord with you on this. One trick: keep fresh fruit around. Usually that's something I can manage to swallow even if I'm not interested. As for the kids... they might be eating the same thing even if you were up to cooking...
Though... you say they are decent cooks... maybe you could find a way to challenge them to upgrade their own cooking... you know, brother vs. brother, or CAN YOU GET MOM TO EAT? :-)
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Comment by Kerryn on October 21, 2011 at 2:11pm -
I need help in this arena!! I used to make good meals - supper was a sit down, no matter what. There was always meat, veg, salad - and a bottle of wine. I wasn't a great cook, but wasn't horrible. Yes, many items were usually a little on the "charred" side, but my excuse is I like my meat well done.
Unfortunately - w/little appetite,and increased ADD, agitation and lack of brain cells, that is something that has fallen to the wayside. My sons, 15 & 11 are self-sufficient, saw their father cooking often, and are good, limited cooks themselves. Yet, that shouldn't be their responsibility to do every day - even my fridge/cupboards are stocked w/ "easy to eat" treats that were never there before. Junk food rarely graced the shelves (my stash of chocolate was well hidden). I need to step up and reinstate the nightly supper at the table rather than the counter.
The PROBLEM: NOTHING SOUNDS GOOD!! My boys will eat a variety of things - but are boys - meat/potatoes,pasta - no "fancy/shmancy" stuff. Suggestions?
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Comment by Boo on May 2, 2011 at 11:43am -
Jonette, you are not alone in your culinary choices, thanks for your honesty x
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