Most days I just feel anxious now. I have a constant ache in my stomach. The feeling sad is just sort of normal now so I can't imagine it going away anytime soon. Sometimes it surprises me what will make me cry, or have that intense wave of loneliness. Sometimes I just feel cold, like I'm going through the motions but not really present. Then I feel bad. I have four children to care for who need me to be present. I'm thankful to have that purpose because I think if it were just me I wouldn't even get out of bed.
Last night I was up half the night with either the baby or one of our dogs. It wasn't a great night. I don't sleep well to begin with but this obviously prevented any rest from happening. And then I just felt angry. Not angry with Brian because I know he wouldn't have left if he didn't have to. But angry this is my life now. Angry that I so badly want to go back in time, angry my today is so horrible and painful, and angry that my future seems so dark and lonely. Part of me keeps hearing Brian tell me how strong he thinks I am. How smart and wonderful and strong. So I push on. And I relive the night he went into the hospital over and over and over. I remember telling him he was going to be okay. I remember kissing him and telling him I love him and we will get through this just like we get through everything. But we didn't get through it. He isn't okay. I'm not okay. Our family is not okay. I'm glad I was there to be strong for him, to reassure him things would be alright, but I relive it over and over. Now I tell my kids the same thing. We'll be okay, we'll get through this. But will we? We'll never be the same, I get that. But will we ever be okay? We're three weeks in to our loss. It's still new, and I know we need time. But will we ever be okay?
I am a 39 year old widow. I am now a single mom. I am now grieving the loss of my best friend, partner, lover, support, my favorite person. And somehow in all of this I have to raise my children. I have to provide for their needs today and tomorrow and into the future. I need to be responsible and practical, all while trying to manage the crushing sadness that has become our every day.
I have to make a constant effort to be kind to myself, to allow myself these moments. To all those going through this, love to you. Be kind. And hopefully we'll all be okay.