I just got back from my FIRST 4 day trip on my own. I felt that I needed to just "get away from everyone" for a few days and just think and try to have fun. Well, after the first 12 hours I could see that this trip was going to be a very difficult one.
When I first arrived, I changed into my swimsuit and headed down to the ocean! What a gorgeous beach and that water was a colour blue I will always remember. BAM, I started to cry almost immediately after hitting the ocean. I remembered how much my husband loved to travel, especially to anywhere with a beach. I could not believe that almost every waking moment I thought about him and how much he would loved to be with me in this gorgeous place.
After seven months, I thought that I was ready for some R & R from the constant pain and reminders at home of my husband. Friends offered to come with me but I did not want to be on anyone else's schedule.
Dinner time....."will you be dining on your own, or will someone be joining you?" That dreaded phrase that would haunt every time I went for a meal. I only could stand it once a day, so that is the only time I ate. I will BE ON MY OWN AND NO! NO ONE IS JOINING ME!! I wanted to stand up on a table and tell everyone that my husband had just died and that YES I was on my own, I had no one to share this wonderful trip with and YES I was lonely and it would have been ever so nice if just one couple had asked me to join them for a drink. I can't blame anyone....how were they to know what I was doing on my own and why? They all "seemed" in love and holding hands and staring into each eyes.
I could not wait to get home - first time ever after being on a vacation. Usually I would be so sad to return to reality and the thought of being separated from my husband for even a moment.
I went to my counsellor today and broke down. I told her awful the trip was, how I felt I have reverted back to how I felt 4 months ago and that I just could not imagine my life without my husband. It was too cruel, too lonely and too sad. She explained to me that I had finally had some time to grieve to a different level (I aways keep myself so busy with work) that having this time to think only of my husband was part of the process. Oh I am so sick of the process. I am so sick of feeling ok one day and then so awful with that gut wrenching pain seven months later.
A huge part of me died with my husband that I will never regain. I felt safe and confident with him. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world! Simple things like doing up my bathing suit, putting lotion on my back - who was going to do this? No one is the answer and I did burn in those hard to reach areas.
Will our society ever accept that we are dining alone and NO we are not waiting for a man to join us, sadly?