You Are Here

If only it were as simple as looking at a map inside a mall to determine where you are located in reference to where you want to get.

Right now, I am somewhere in the middle.  Not the beginning and not the end of my journey in dealing with my loss. I don't know where or when this journey will end.  I can't look at a map to find out which steps I need to take to get there.  Do I go left at the food court?  Or do I go straight past the JC Penny? 

I know I am taking the right steps today in order to get there.  I was keeping my emotions locked up inside for a long time after Jessica passed.  I wanted to be "better".  Its not easy to admit we are hurting or we are damaged inside.  The problem is that I was taking my kids along for the ride, not showing them the proper way to grieve.  That its okay to cry over Mom.  Its the lousy thing that happens when you have children along for the ride, you have to show them the way.  In the meantime, you are still trying to heal yourself. 

Now, I've uncorked the bottle that kept my sorrow in check.  What its done is to allow myself to be less angry.  I'm not keeping some other emotion at bay, so the anger was easy to let go of once I felt it.  Now, I can control my anger and use my verbal skills to diffuse a situation.   

I had to allow myself to feel the pain in order to move further along the path toward the end.  I know I am not at the end, but I am moving in the right direction.