My name is Julie and I lost my husband Tim suddenly on New Year's Eve 2023 (two and a half months ago, how can that be?). We were getting ready to celebrate our 24th wedding anniversary. We got married on New Year's Day but always celebrated the night before. I went out to play with the dogs and he went down to our basement to work out on the rowing machine, which he did several times a week since he was in his teens. An ordinary day with plans for the evening. Plans for the next year, when we were going to start figuring out where to move when he retired from teaching at the university here.
I found him already dead of a heart attack. Everything since that day has been almost impossible to understand. I was in shock for the first month, just going through the motions of sorting out paperwork, trying to get through the days. Family came and visited. A few weeks passed. I am now on my own almost all of the time. Nothing has seemed fully real since the day Tim died, though I am able to go through the motions of living, taking care of the dogs. Some days I still don't believe it has happened; other days I'm unable to function.
I've been reading on how the brain processes grief and it helps me to understand why I feel the way I do, though it doesn't lessen the pain. I know that being socially isolated (I don't have deep roots where I live now) is making all of this harder and I'm hoping that reading other peoples' stories and sharing my own will help me on some level to take whatever steps I need to take…even if I don't want to take them. I often feel like I am on a train that has pulled out of the station, leaving him behind, and I dread the passage of time that takes me further away from the time that I was with him, just having that ordinary day and excited about our future.
T Lux says
Posted on March 17, 2024 0
Julie,
I’m sorry for your loss, the pain, and the social isolation you’re feeling.
I don’t have any wisdom to offer. I wish I did. When I posted a photo from 6 months ago (my husband died November 2023) saying, “I miss you I want you back ,” someone posted: “It does get easier with time. Still longing but easier.” I don’t recall how many years she’s been widowed.
I’ve posted on Facebook (friends only) what I need from my friends: VISITS. And reposted with a slightly reworded post saying it’s okay to not know what to say, just come! And it’s gotten a couple of friends who have visited in person.
Family? My siblings are estranged. I don’t have children. My husband’s daugther is in another province; we text sporadically. My 80-year-old mother, who was initially checking in by text, has stopped. I have to initiate all communication.
I can wish you light and love as you journey this experience.
JoeF says
Posted on March 16, 2024 1
Good morning. I am so sorry about the death of your husband. A few items I can identify with here…
For Sheri and me, it was just another ordinary day 28 weeks ago. We went to lunch like we always did which is how we got caught up on everything. This time, though, a blood vessel burst and although her heart kept going, her brain was pretty much shut down. Just like that, a couple of seconds, our life, my life, was over. Like you, we were discussing our future when I when retired in a few months. That was all over within a few seconds.
I have lived in this area for over 30 years but was socially isolated due to being an introvert and a home body. Going out and making social connections is not something I am good at. However, I started going to a nearby church and met a couple of other people through some other channels.
These people have been very supportive and have helped me immensely. They never met my wife and never saw me a couple. So they just see me and there is none of the awkwardness of seeing me without my wife. That aspect probably helps a lot. Still, it is not the way I would have liked to meet people. She was the outgoing one and I was fine with her handling the meeting part.
The train analogy is good, In some ways, I think Sheri is close, in other ways she is far. She has a perfect forever and I am stuck here in this imperfect world with my imperfect self. I don’t know what the passage of time will bring. I’m not necessarily looking forward to it but I guess I have to face it. I am getting support so I’m not alone. It’s just not the trip I wanted to take.
– – –
Joe
JulieR says
Posted on March 17, 2024 0
Joe, so true, not the trip I want to take either. I feel myself rebelling against letting it take me down the tracks. I know intellectually that I will need to go through this, that maybe one day I’ll feel at peace with what has happened in my life and I’ll even be able to enjoy memories of Tim instead of feeling gutted. Even that possibility of being okay is still so abstract to me but I need to keep taking tiny steps to move towards it, even if all I can accomplish in a single day now is just the smallest attainable goal, like walking the dogs or tackling a house project. This grieving business is exhausting work.
SubibeC says
Posted on March 15, 2024 1
Hi Julie.
I think many can relate to you here. I can as well.
Many people came and visited and even stayed with me for the first three weeks, then, they were all gone.
I knew it, I expected it. I don’t feel bad about it. I was not apart of their daily lives, they were not apart of mine.
Nothing can replace a 24/7 365 companion, partner, friend.
Here I am, Friday night, alone, yet not alone as I am here, posting, reading, sharing, caring, and this gives me some sense of belonging.
I consider my life in slices.
This is a new slice.
I’ll never forget the past. I will always be impacted by it, yet, I have no choice, like it or not, this is a new slice for me. I ask myself, what do I choose to do with it? I don’t fully know yet.
Yet, some days, I can’t even get out of bed.
Give yourself grace.
JulieR says
Posted on March 15, 2024 1
Thank you, what a kind welcome. And an interesting thought, life in slices. I can see that in mine as well. Other slices seemed to be building towards something (my happy life with Tim the narrative)…so now, how to figure out what to do with this slice. I know it’s going to take me a while to get there.
SubibeC says
Posted on March 15, 2024 1
After my mom passed two years ago, for some reason I looked back at my life in slices. Elementary and highschool. Undergrad and worklife after. Grad school. A new great worklife and my wife. Leaving that great worklife and a new transition which we were in with also a new place to stay which we knew was temporary for a few years and jobs too. I don’t know the reason I did it yet I said, “I have lived a great life.” Almost as if some form of end was coming for me. It came, not for me and yes for me. The new transition life which I am in now, this transition slice is coming to an end. My baby is gone, I am moving soon and ending this transition job. All new cming soon. Somehow, this happened. I could talk about this for hours, yet, I digress. It, indeed will take a while. Sharing in the journey helps, I think.