It's been two years as of the 25th of July since my husband passed. 30+ years of being a couple as well as being friends since 8th grade. We were a "We" longer than we were individual people. Shortly after he passed, I would run into people and they would ask "How are you?" But not in the way one who is concerned or cares about your loss… as in the whole societal knee jerk pleasantry people just mouth because it's a space filler everyone uses. It's an instinct, rather than a genuine interest in knowing. Every time it happened, I immediately felt sucker punched. I felt instantly exposed, unsafe, raw, and uncomfortable. How the hell was I supposed to answer that? Lie? Because they don't really want to know how I'm doing. I can barely share with my own loved ones how I am. The idea of telling anyone not in my immediate circle anything about how I am is unacceptable to me. They are not allowed to know. It's none of their business. They shouldn't even be asking me.
So flash forward to today, and someone we knew two decades ago, as an outer fringe acquaintance, who was not really someone we willingly chose to hang out with, but who always seemed to just invite himself anywhere our friend group congregated, just accosted me as I was leaving the grocery store and asked "How are you?"
For the first time ever, I got angry enough to drop my mask and responded…
"My Husband is still dead, so……Yeah." The look on his face was one of extreme discomfort and I actually felt a little vindicated…. Finally, Someone else got to be the one who was uncomfortable and feeling exposed. The conversation stopped quickly after that and I was able to get myself and my groceries to the car before I fell apart for the next 2 hours.
I can't explain it, but it makes everything worse when someone asks me how I am. It doesn't make me feel comforted or cared about.. it just feels insensitive and downright cruel when they ask, knowing full well how much I adore my husband and the kind of true romance and partnership we had all these years. I hate it like a poison. Sadly, I don't know what the alternative should be either so I can't tell people… "Hey, please don't ask me how I am, because it hurts when you do that. Instead… I'd accept (insert something less hurtful here)"
Does anyone else experience this? Just me? I just know after 2 years, I am done wearing masks for other people's comfort. I'm fed up with all the ignorant assumptions and generalizations and platitudes that people… and sadly, even other widows, heap on me at every turn. What's the old phrase…. "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore."
Thanks for reading my Rant.
jja says
Posted on August 17, 2023 0
Oursi, you have had to live with this longer than me (7 weeks since the love of my life died).
I agree with the insensitivity of the question and as such I find myself unable to respond with anything but honesty – ‘Horrible’, ‘Terrible’, ‘Suffering’ etc.
It leads to a very uncomfortable place where the questioner doesnt know what to say next – even with people who have experience with it daily – the ICU doctor leading rounds couldnt respond when he greeted me with ‘Good morning, how are you’? I looked him straight in the eyes and said ‘Horrible’ and all he could do was start reading from her chart. I mean, shes unconscious, unresponsive in ICU and you with no real concern spout this uncaring question? It doesnt bother me that you become quite uncomfortable
DavidB-5 says
Posted on August 2, 2023 3
Thanks for bringing up this topic, Oursl.
Just today I saw a friend who I hadn’t seen since losing my partner. I’d had the feeling he’d perhaps been avoiding me, afraid of saying the wrong thing and so had avoided situations where I might be there. I’d had a few text messages but nothing more than that.
When he asked how I was, I gave him an overview of the last few months – the immense pain which is there each day, the ‘What if’ questions that swirl around in my head every day, the decisions I’ve been faced with these last few months which I’d never considered before, the juggling of the never-ending admin burden which comes with a death alongside trying to work full-time. He looked shocked and slightly sheepish.
But I didn’t say any of that to alarm or hurt him – and there were no recriminations coming from me – it was just what I felt in that moment. Throughout this process I’ve tried to just say what is on my mind at each stage. I don’t feel obliged to tell anyone things I don’t want to share. But equally for me, I feel it’s important to not shy away from the truth when people ask me how I’m coping.
I’m functioning. I’m trying to tick things off my list each day. I’m doing the best that I can. But none of it is easy and there’s no point pretending it is. We need more honest discussions about death and grief so that more people understand what support we might need.
DavidS says
Posted on July 30, 2023 2
It hits differently now, but it is still just someone saying “Hello”.
I avoid the trigger by treating it as a rote greeting, not a question.
I now have my own practiced rote responses of “Hi, nice to see you” or “Hi, how are you doing” , and have since, stopped even noticing it as a problem.
CarolQ says
Posted on July 29, 2023 3
I was thinking about this just last night. When I return to school the kids, colleagues and parents will all ask “how are you doing”. There doesn’t seem to be a socially acceptable answer. The options seem to be:
Fine- lie but too brief and leads to more questions.
Hanging in there- better but not their business.
Terrible- invites prying and more questions.
I think I might just redirect the question to something bland like “looking forward to hockey season or planting my garden”. Things I don’t mind discussing, but the feelings in my heart are not for discussion.
Rant all you want. People here may not understand exactly what you are dealing with, but they come mighty close compared to the general population.
heartbroken artist says
Posted on July 28, 2023 3
Yes Oursl, I’m also two years out and I also still get angry as hell at the things that get said to me.
My wife of 40-years died needlessly. She died of hereditary cancer and it was preventable. And because of that I’m a very determined hereditary cancer prevention advocate.
To make a long story short, a friend of my late wife texted me and asked me “how I was doing and what projects I was up to.” I responded to her with a list of my projects and that doing them actually made me feel sad and angry.
She quickly wrote back and told me “Not to be angry. It only causes sadness.” What?! I lost my person to a preventable cancer and it was a nightmare and I’m not supposed to be sad or angry! I reminded her that I have actually helped save some lives because my anger drives my advocacy.
This person has seen my work and read the stories I have written about my wife for the national cancer advocacy organizations I’m now connected to. She was witness to the whole sad story, yet she remains clueless. But she isn’t alone.
You have a right to be angry about your loss and the clueless things that get said. If the other person was in your shoes, I’m sure they would feel the same. But like so many other people, they just can’t imagine being in someone’ else’s shoes.
You have a right to rant too.